Never Too Late
by ipanickedinholby
Summary: A new doctor joins the ED and forms a close bond with Ethan. She has an incredible talent but a dark secret. *Trigger Warning for future chapters*
1. Chapter 1

I walked up to the ED. It was on the opposite side of the hospital that I worked in. Even when I was metres away from the action I could feel the rush of the place. I approached the entrance, and was greeted by a scene of chaos. Dazed, I walked into a doctor holding a pile of notes and of course used enough accidental force to make them fly out everywhere. Great. I haven't even started my shift and I'm already annoying the staff.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm the new F2 by the way, Amelia Bridges." I said shocked.

"Erm Ethan Hardy, registrar. If you need I can show you where Mrs Beauchamp's office is?"

"That would be brilliant, I'm due to start in 10 minutes, really cant be late on my first day!" I looked up and he was smiling and thinking to himself, and at this point I was really confused.

After about 2 minutes of dodging patients in the corridor and trying to take in the ED in general, I arrived behind Ethan at Mrs Beauchamp's office. He knocked on the door and left me there. To say it was awkward would be an understatement. When I was told, I entered and was greeted by a professional looking woman clearly engrossed in paperwork. "One second, please take a seat" she muttered. She looked up at me, slightly puzzled, then she must have remembered, "Amelia Bridges, new F2, isn't it? Connie Beauchamp, clinical lead. I've heard good things, where were you on rotation last year?" She queried.

"I worked on Darwin, mentored by Professor Hope and Ms Naylor, and AAU, but had a short stint on Keller. I also helped in the labs in my spare time." In my reply I attempted to sound confident, and I think it worked.

"Interesting, I used to work on Darwin. Come with me and I'll show you where you can change into scrubs whilst I find your mentor."

"Okay!" I chimed jumping out of my seat. I couldn't quite make out what exactly what she muttered but I think it was a comment on my energy levels. This time I managed to walk alongside Mrs Beauchamp, and it was literally a few seconds to the staff room.

"Be back in 2 minutes, your locker is here, and scrubs are in the changing room which is through there."

She then disappeared into the mess and I was left alone. I walked into the changing room, where compared to the other changing rooms it was miniscule. I walked over to the metal rack where they kept the doctors and nurses scrubs, ranging from extra smalls to extra large. The doctors scrubs were blue with green undertones. To call them teal would be a bit too bright, maybe a dressed down version though. I slipped into my scrubs and tied my chocolate hair back in a high ponytail, braiding back my fringe so you could actually see my blue eyes. Rummaging through my bag I found my purple and silver stethoscope and placed it around my neck. I clipped my new ID card on my left pocket. After a bit of fiddling I was successful in my attempts of pinning my ID badge to my scrub top without inflicting small pin prick wounds upon my chest. Grabbing my clothes and bag I returned to the locker/staff room and opened my locker to find the key inside. I removed the key and threw in my tattered rucksack. I pushed the locker closed and locked it. I pivoted to see that Mrs Beauchamp had returned with Ethan from earlier.

"Oh hello again!" I spoke to Ethan, Mrs Beauchamp was clearly unsure of what happened but Ethan soon jumped in and erased the confusion.

"Oh I see. Right, Ethan will be your mentor. If there are any problems please see me. Ethan, its your responsibility to show Amelia the ropes and where everything is. Again, problems please find me or Zoe alright. Look forward to seeing you two work together."

In similar fashion as before she waltzed out into the chaos. I wonder how she survives a whole shift in those heels.


	2. Chapter 2

"Right. Time for some doctoring!" Ethan commented in an awkward fashion.

"Brilliant! Whats my first case? Nothing too big I hope!" I marvelled at the fact I was actually here. Working. It was literally a childhood dream come true. I was quite harshly removed from this dream when the double doors flung open. Ethan ran over, my first patient I guess.

"Okay, cubicle 7 please Dixie. Oh, and this the new F2 Dr Bridges" Ethan stated.

Dixie continued "Right, this is Hannah Gordon, 21, found collapsed at home after suspected OD. Pulse is slightly tachycardic at 73, BP normal and resps at 97. GCS is 7, and was given IV fluids at the scene. Okay then on my count 1,2,3 "

"Thank you, its Amelia by the way. Nice to meet you."

"Thank you Dixie! Right, what tests are you going to order?" Ethan enquired.

"Okay. ECG, LFT's, U's and E's, and a tox screen so we can find out what shes taken. For now can we squeeze those fluids and fast track the results."

"Impressive. Want to get a quick coffee?" Ethan added.

"Yeah sure, I'll pay for them, and don't argue with me Dr Hardy." I insisted. Dr Hardy and I walked over to the coffee shop as we were due a break. We approached the coffee shop and were met with a girl behind the counter wearing a pink pinny with the word 'Honey' embroided in yellow. She was aimlessly looking at and article in a magazine, but paused when she saw Ethan hover above her.

"Oh Ethan, what can I get you two? You must be Amelia, I'm Honey, I work the coffee machine." She rambled

"Honey also reads auras. Beside the point, my usual and whatever Amelia wants.." Ethan added

"Oh just a latte with some sugar I guess. We really need to be getting back" I rushed through my sentence as I wanted to check on my OD patient as I knew the fast-track results would be back by now. I handed Honey £5, grabbing my coffee and dashed off, Ethan trailing behind. I arrived at the bumbling nurses station where a nurse gave me the results and introduced herself as Robyn, she was relatively young and from what I had heard a great nurse. I walked over to cubicle 7 where Hannah was situated and was being followed by Ethan.

"Those the results? Lets see." Ethan hesitated, looking at the envelope his facial expression lowered.

"Oh, paracetamol and alcohol overdose, lets-"

"what... where... noo, NO! I CANT. No no no!" What started mumbled slurs became screams. I burst into the cubicle to find that somehow Hannah had awoken at a miraculous pace. She was trying to remove her IV line, until I interrupted,

"Stop! Hannah, I'm Dr Bridges, thats Dr Hardy. We've been looking after you. Please don't take that out, you could hurt yourself further. If you need, one of the nurses or myself can take it out if its really bothering you. Please just stay here for a minute, and I'll sort it, okay?" Hannah nodded and Ethan guided her back onto the bed.

"I'll be right back and we can take that out." I briskly added. I was able to return with a trolley containing the correct equipment to remove her IV, and during the process Hannah made it clear she wanted a discharge, but she refused to listen to me. After what seemed like an hour if negotiation, I finally gave in and got her to sign the 'discharge against advice' paper. Even though I knew she wasn't listening, I ran through the form anyway. Ethan was there the whole time, listening to the whole dialogue. When the form was signed, she almost sprinted out of the cubicle leaving Ethan and I to contemplate what had just happened.

"Don't worry. Sometimes they are adamant they do not need our help. Its best to listen." My mind pondered on what Ethan had just said. Maybe he was right. The ED is a high-tension, emotion-fuelled decision environment and sometimes you cant help them all.

The rest of my shift was relatively eventful. My first time in resus was mesmerising! Everyone is so skilled and driven in there! I think I like the ED better than Darwin, and that was pretty hard to beat. Ethan let me input in resus, and when I noticed a hematoma no one else did, I had spotted something that could have saved his life. That was amazing. I was completely euphoric after that case. Once my shift had come to an end, I was told to head in the direction of the staffroom for a formal introduction followed by most of the ED team walking over to the pub for drinks. I was sat on a table with Ethan, Lily, Robyn, Max and Lofty and throughout the evening it was evident that there was something between Lily and Ethan. Being the person I am, I thought it best to not ask questions and socialise. Roughly half an hour later, Ethan's brother Caleb 'call-me-Cal' Knight walked over to our table and in an attempt at slightly intoxicated flirting, introduced himself.

"Hey, Amelia right? Caleb Knight. Most people call me Cal. Anyway, can I get you a drink?" He stated, gesturing towards the bar. I looked down at my half full glass and declined but joined him over at the bar anyway. I don't normally find many people annoying, maybe its the alcohol, but Caleb 'call-me-Cal' Knight was probably the most annoying person I had met in my short medical career. In fact, I couldn't stand him anymore I lied about having plans to get out of the conversation. Waving goodbye to all my new colleagues, I headed to the door and began the walk home.

**A/N - Thanks for all the follows I really appreciate it loads. I'll try to update when I finish a new chapter which I work on when I'm not swamped in homework. Also check out tammycat22 here and sealionj over on wattpad because their stories are amazing and they are both really talented x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors note - sorry its taken so long to upload this! Dont forget to check out sealionj's Holby fic over on wattpad - 'as napoleon once said "ability is nothing without oppourtunity"' as she is such a talented writer x**

Chapter 3

It's been 2 weeks since I've started at the ED. I have been left free to take cubicle cases on my own but for resus I have to be with Ethan, just like a sort of 'safety net' in case I panic. I'm so glad I was honest about how I felt about going to resus alone, as today, after a concession of bad days, I really needed someone to take over a case.

The familiar red phone rang, and as Ethan was closest he answered. Once the call was over he walked over to me and began,

"Amelia. Interesting resus case coming in. Male patient, multiple stab wounds. Severe blood loss and query concussion. ETA 6 minutes. How would you like to lead on this?"

"Really? Okay.. Should I go order blood and prep resus so its ready?" I asked, anxious as it was the first time I would be leading a resus case.

"Oh, will you still be there Ethan?" I added.

"If you need me to. Its fine if you want me to go." He pointed out. "Why don't you meet the paramedics outside and I'll get Lofty in to prep resus and blood." Without question I walked out the double doors and waited for the ambulance to pull up. It arrived in 2 minutes, where the back doors flung open and Dixie jumped out the front, helping Iain.

"He's arrested!" Iain bellowed.

"Okay, I'll start compressions." I said, doing compressions whilst walking through to resus, which was already prepped.

"Okay, unknown male, about 20, found in an alleyway with severe blood loss as a result of multiple stab wounds. Also has facial lacerations and wound to head, believed to be caused by blunt trauma, query head injury. Arrested outside. BP was low at 50 over 60, starting to go into hypovelemic shock. Resps are at 8, GCS has been 4 throughout. Has received 2 litres of saline and O2, to no effect. Everyone got a bit? Over on 3, 1, 2, 3." Dixie stated and handed Ethan the green piece of paper and a wallet.

"Found next to him at scene, didn't provide any hints as to who he is though." The blonde paramedic added."Okay thanks guys," Ethan called and walked over to me, still doing compressions. "Amelia, do you want me to take over?" He asked, poised to take over.

"Please!" I manifested my joy in my response. "Right, ECG, 2 units of O-Neg and get ready to cross match 6 units. Lets get another line in and squeeze fluids." I ordered.

"We have a pulse." Ethan marvelled, "but its slow, can we also get onto the surgeons. Tell them its urgent. Can we also try and get an urgent head CT, we want to rule out any possibility of a head injury. " He stressed.

"Resps getting even slower." Lofty pointed out.

"We need to intubate. Do we have RSI drugs prepped? Great. Doctor Bridges, have you ever intubated before? Ethan asked, looking at me."Yes I have." I replied confidently.

"Okay, have a go at this." He smiled. Standing over the patient, I held the RSI equipment in hand, but realised something. I knew this patient very well, I grew up with him.

"Oh my god! Theo?" I trembled, taken aback at how he managed to get into this state.

"You know him?" Ethan asked, clearly confused."Wait," I rushed inspecting his left inner wrist, tattooed with XVII, the roman numeral for 17. "Yep it's him. This is Theo Bridges, 22. He's my brother. I shouldn't be treating him. Sorry." I whispered, tears brimming in my eyes. I walked briskly out of resus, head down so nobody could see the tears falling. My contacts were quite uncomfortable on me throughout the day, and crying didn't help at all. In fact, it had a massive adverse effect, I ended up digging my glasses out of my bag and putting those on in place of my absent contacts. My winged eyeliner smudged too, giving me that desirable panda-like look we are all too familiar with. I knew there would be more tears to come, but instead of trying to rectify the smudged mess, I took my eye makeup off completely, leaving a few coats of waterproof mascara on.

War-paint off, I walked over to resus, only to bump into 'call-me-Cal' Caleb.

"Woah! Doctor Bridges when did you and Ethan become glasses twins?" He asked, taken aback by my change in aesthetics.

"I'm really not in mood right now Cal!" I snapped, continuing in my venture to resus.

"Woah. Feisty." He muttered to himself. I came up to the door of resus to see Ethan standing anxiously by my brothers heart rate monitor. Like a child sneaking in the night, I opened the door as quietly as I could and started to walk over to my brother. It was a mess. Tubes coning from everywhere, all uniting in desperate measures to keep him alive. It was just Ethan in the room, still stood there. He saw me and asked if I was okay. I nodded shyly and pulled a stool over so I could sit with Theo. Taking hold of his hand, I glanced down to the black marking on the inside of his wrist, and looked at mine too. 17. "The speed and time of change." I whispered, voice starting to wobble. I remember when he turned 18 and we both got them done on the same day, a permanent memoir."I'm so sorry I couldn't have helped you more. You're my little brother and you mean more to me than you'll ever know. I guess its too late now. I never showed you, but I really love you. Sorry." I mumbled tears cascading from my eyes. I was soon cut off by the ECG. "Ethan. He's.. Arresting." I said in a desperate attempt to project my voice.

"Amelia, your going to have to step aside." He insisted. Too drained, emotionally and physically, to argue I did as I was told. A swarm of nurses ran in after hearing the alarming beeps that his heart was no longer beating. Seeing Ethan and Lofty try and desperately save him was heart wrenching, and it was even worse not knowing if they would be successful in their attempts.

I stood fixated on the ECG. It seemed like an eternity. One I wish to never live through again.

"He's been asystolic for 30 minutes now. I'm calling it." Ethan began, "Are we all agreed?" He asked, looking around to see a team of disappointed staff. "Time of death, 13:17. Thank you." He started to mutter. He approached me, and started to speak, but was interrupted by myself, starting to cry hysterically. I threw my arms around him, crying on his shoulder, dampening the blue scrubs.

"Its okay. Im so sorry-" he was cut off by me again.

"Its okay. I knew there was nothing we could do." I trembled and then walked to the staffroom.

On the way out of resus Ethan was stopped by Cal.

"Nibbles! That F2 of yours is something of a dragon. Really snappy at me earlier, whats up with her?" He asked, almost laughing. Ethan let put a sigh at his older brothers statement.

"Well Cal, her brother was bought in today. He died earlier. You are unbelievable sometimes Caleb, could you not see she was upset about something?" The younger doctor started to raise his voice in disbelief. Cal was left shocked by what Ethan had just told him, he knew she didn't look right. Pretending he didn't see or hear Cal, Ethan continued to try and find me. Curled up on the sofa, blocking out the rest of the chaos.

"Amelia. Are okay? I'm so sorry we couldn't save him.." He started, quietly as if not wanting to disturb me from my emotional slumber.

"He died at 13:17. Seventeen past One. Ha. That number is deadly." I mumbled, the significance of my tattoo even stronger.

"Im fine. Just don't leave yet."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I walked into my apartment, turning the lights on. Throwing my rucksack into the corner of my room, I skipped getting something to eat and changing my clothes, and likewise with my rucksack, I threw myself onto my bed. I lay flat on my back, staring morosely at the ceiling, thinking of the events and numbers of today. Seventeen. One more reason I will never forget.

I was 18 when it happened. When everything changed so suddenly. Theo had just found out his GCSE results, they were amazing. He had 6 A* grades and the rest A and B grades, mum and I were so proud, we took him to summer in the city (which we had already pre-booked) as a reward for doing so well. We were on the way to London, and we took quite a rural route as Mum and Theo loved the countryside. We were on a small lane, one in which you have to pull over if another car is going the opposite way. The memory is a blur, but a car was approaching. The driver was drunk, and going at at least 40, they were distracted by their also drunk friends in the back, and didn't see us. Mum had tried to pull over, but wasn't quick enough. They hit our car straight on, Mum being hit the hardest, as she was in front, with Theo and I sat behind. I immediately got out and moved other to Mum's side of the car. I opened the door and hated what I had witnessed. The sun was pretty bright at the time, so the sun blocker was down. With the impact, Mum smashed her head against the mirror, her left side of her forehead bleeding profusely. She was unconscious. Theo was still in the back. Whilst I was on the same side I checked in him too. He was in shock, but not injured. I felt it was safe to move him to the roadside and call for an ambulance. He did as he was told, while I climbed in the back and held Mum's head to prevent further damage. I hadn't started medical school yet but knew what to do.

The ambulance had arrived quickly considering it was relatively difficult to find us. The paramedics found me in the back and was impressed with my situation management. It took a while to get Mum out, buy when she was out she was strapped to a spinal board with a frac-pack on her right shin. They also treated Theo for shock. He rode in the ambulance with me. When we arrived at the hospital we were met by a busy ED team ready for the transfer, very similar to Holby.

An excruciating 3 hour wait and we were greeted by a doctor who said she would be transferred up to neurosurgery as she had a non-life threatening brain haemorrhage and small skull fracture. We followed her up to the ward where they took all the neuro cases. She wasn't awake as she had to be ventilated, but we talked to her anyway. She was taken into theatre the next day.

She didn't come out alive. She died 17 hours after being admitted, in the 17th Of Aughust at 12:42. Theo was in ruins. It was just me and him from now on, on our own. Mum had a lot of money, we had to split it between us. She had saved up money for our degrees, with me wanting to become a doctor and Theo a vet both from early ages, she had prepared a lot. The funeral organisation was tough. We left it to our aunt, but we both had lots of input. We played "Northern Downpour" Panic! At the Disco at her funeral, as it was one of her favourite songs.

**"In Italian culture, the number 17 is considered unlucky. When viewed as the Roman numeral, VXII, it is then changed anagrammatically to VIXI, which in the Latin language translates to '**_**I have lived'**_**, the perfect implying **_'__**My life is over'**_**"**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - thank you again for all the reviews :) This chapter has mentions of depression, nothing major, but its there.**

Waking up the next day required more energy than it should have. I felt horrible and dirty, everything was a mess and I was in such an incredible need of some food. I saw my glasses were on the table along with my phone. Without poking my eyes out, I put my glasses upon my face and picked up my phone. Unsurprisingly, I was greeted by a number of messages. I could guess what they said without reading them.

I finally removed myself from the safe haven of the bedsheets and walked into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was so drained. I looked through my cabinet like I did every morning. Pushing through the random crap, I found what I needed. Seeing the jar of fluoxetine I grabbed it. I took my instructed dose, 2 tablets in the morning. I then took a long shower, music blasting from the waterproof speakers I got as a gift from Theo last year. Washing off all of yesterdays events from my skin. Stepping out of the shower, looking in the mirror again, I looked a little more like me, features a little more relaxed. As I wasn't going anywhere today, I slipped into something comfortable and lazy; My glasses, a fluffy jumper and some jogging bottoms. I brushed through my hair and dried it, returning to the crazy mess it is when it hasn't been straightened. I pulled it up into a simple ponytail, and my fringe being uncooperative as usual, I twisted it up and pinned it back.

Breakfast consisted of cereal, tea and reading through texts that 'caring' and 'concerned' colleagues had sent me. Then there was Mrs Beauchamp's text. You could see the message filled spread with emotion.

'Hope you are okay. 2 weeks compassionate leave, come back anytime.' It was one of the most automated responses I have ever seen, and I have seen many of them. Midway through scrolling through texts, the screen suddenly changed to the incoming call screen. Unsurprisingly, it was from Ethan. Hesitantly, I answered the call and was greeted by the familiar voice.

"Hello?" I asked, wondering why he was calling me.

"Hi, the team have something for you, is it okay if I drop it round after my shift?" The older doctor replied.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I'm not sure. Robyn, Rita and Lofty organised it so it could be anything." He joked.

"Oh, yay. I looove surprises." I spoke, thick with sarcasm.

"Yes, we know. I need to get back as my breaks over. See you later, Amelia." He hurried.

"Bye, have fun"

"I will. Hope you're okay." He voiced, evidently concerned.

"I'll be fine. You need to go now or Mrs Beauchamp will obliterate you." I retorted and hung up.

The remainder of the day was spent predominantly studying and cleaning, as I was in true need of reorganising my room and the kitchen. I had cleaned the bathroom yesterday, and it was still in the same state as first cleaned. My bedroom was a whole different story. Clothes and books lay everywhere, the only place not in total disarray was my study area. I wonder why this was. I accidentally skipped lunch as I had lost track of time, but I honestly wasn't hungry anyway. It was approaching 6, so Ethan would be here soon. I had finished being a domestic goddess so sat down on the sofa and put on the TV. I had recorded The Big Bang Theory and still had a few episodes of Miranda left on the planner. I put on Miranda, since I needed something to laugh at.

Ethan arrived at half 6, along with the surprise from the team. It was in a deep purple painted shoebox, and the paint had obviously not dried. He was clasping it awkwardly, what had dried of the paint transferring to Ethan's hands. I told him to place it on a magazine, that way it wouldn't make a mess on the coffee table.

"Don't open it yet!" He stopped me, and continued, "I'll be back, just let me wash this off." He finished.

**Ethan's POV**

I managed to find my way from the living room to the bathroom. Amelia had quite a cozy apartment, just slightly bigger than what I had when I was an F2. It was all very modern, painted in whites, blues, greys and slight lilacs. The place in general was very clean and organised, with everything placed in a suitable position and place to match the atmosphere. The bathroom looked like it had just been cleaned, but then again the whole apartment did. I turned the polished hot tap, and saw a bottle of pills next situated in between the hot and cold taps. I continued to wash my hands, still puzzled as to why there was a massive bottle of pills recently used and what Amelia had taken it for. I dried my hands and knelt down to see the label a lot more clearly.

Fluoxetine.

An antidepressant.

This was a big thing, and I knew I had to proceed with caution. I left the bathroom and made my way back to the living room, where I could hear her mindlessly laughing at Miranda and Stevie.

**Amelia's POV**

Ethan didn't take long at all, but when he walked back in he seemed a little upset, shocked, distanced.

"Whats happened to you? Has a monster bitten you in the hallway?" I joked. He flashed an awkward smile and sat down on the red sofa next to me. I began opening the box and was seriously weirded out by Ethan.

"Ethan? Whats happened? Has my organisation and cleanliness shocked the Ethan out of you?" I asked, covering my concern in bad jokes.

"Amelia, I know whats going on." He said, answer very straight.

"What? What do you know? Oh no.. The tablets!" I had figured it out. "No you weren't supposed to know. No one was supposed to know!" I started to cry and raise my voice. It then sunk in.

"You can't tell anyone. Ethan. You can't tell them. Please, they'll question me. Please don't put me through anymore!" I started talking hysterically, until he stopped me.

"I wont. How long have you been on Fluoxetine?" He asked, truly caring.

"Since 2nd year of medical school, when I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I don't want to have to rely on this stuff. I really don't, but if I don't take it I just feel so.. Shit." By now I had calmed down more. I looked at Ethan; he didn't seem to be shocked. I don't know why, but he had this look on his face, like a mix of caring and relating. "Anyway, enough of the synthetic sensation that is my life, lets open this box." I started to smile. Lifting the lid, there was a mix of things. Money, Chocolates, small written messages on paper and haribo. I took all of it out and placed it on the table. There was a card at the bottom. Ethan had dug around in his coat pocket and found another small card. He put it down next to the other bigger card.

"Cal is really sorry about the other day. Im sorry if I invaded you with the fluoxetine thing. I wont tell anyone, I promise." Ethan added, starting to stand up and fix his coat. I stood up too and looked him in the eyes.

"Its okay. Thanks for everything." I replied, before opening the door and letting the older doctor navigate the cold outdoors back home.


	6. Chapter 6

I had just finished at Theo's funeral. It was as I expected. Packed. Not a dry eye in the room. He was really well loved at uni, the numbers of attending proved this. There was a party after, a chance to reminisce and celebrate our memories of Theo.

I had opened the card Cal had given me. It had his number in. I went over to his yesterday as a catch up, and turned out he didn't live far. In fact it was in walking distance. I had a bit of alcohol at the 'party' so I was not at all sober. I had a bottle of wine that Mrs Beauchamp had given me. I opened it, and didn't bother to use a glass. Drinking from the bottle, I felt the liquid run down my throat. Right now it was the best medicine available. I called Cal as he would be home now. He picked up."Hello."

"Caaaal, can I come over, like now?" I asked, not really thinking.

"Erm, why? Amelia are you drunk?" He asked, sounding perplexed.

"I have wine, and noo not yet" I added.

"Fine. Are you okay to walk here without stumbling on the pavement?" He wondered. Joking slightly.

"Yes Caleb I'm not four years old!" I laughed, and continued, "I'll see you in 5." Before he could say anything I hung up. Putting on some shoes abd grabbing the wine, I walked over to the place where Cal was waiting outside.

"So you weren't lying." He smirked, looking at me up and down. I was still in my dress I wore to the funeral, it was purple and relatively tight fitting. I had my make up done too, hidden beneath my glasses, an earthy smokey eye paired with a red lip.

"You look amazing." He said, opening the door and welcoming me in.

I still had the half drunk bottle of expensive wine in my hand.

"Lets just drink. Forget everything, and drink." I elaborated, taking sips from the wine occasionally. Cal grabbed his already open bottle of beer and started drinking. I sat myself down in the living room on the floor, knees into my chest still having a firm grip on the bottle. I placed it down on the floor, and Cal picked it up.

"I am guessing this was a gift from Connie?" He marvelled, taking a sip. "Lets make this more interesting. Drinking games, you me and vodka." He exclaimed."Cal," I stood up, meeting his level. "Enough games already. I know what we both want, what we both need." I spoke temptingly, evidently intoxicated.

"And what's that?" He smirked, a look in his eye.

"This." I added before placing my lips upon his. He was tense but relaxed into the kiss, running his hands through my hair, tousling the waves. We broke apart and gazed into each others eyes.

"Well you are full of surprises." He whispered below my ear, making me shudder from the feeling of his alcohol fuelled breath against my skin.

I woke up the next day with the mother of all hangovers. It took me a while to figure out where I was, until I looked around and understood what had happened. I was in Cal's bed. Next to him. I saw the empty bottle of wine, and our clothes on the floor. Shit. Had I really had drunken sex with Cal? This cannot be happening. He's not awake yet... Maybe I can just-

"Don't say you were going to leave me, please don't I have the worst fucking hangover of my life." He whined.

"Me too. I need to get my clothes but my head hurts way too much." I replied in a similar way. I managed to get myself out of the bed and over to my clothes, where I slipped them on.

I aimlessly walked into the kitchen, locating the glasses and getting 2 glasses of water. I drank mine quickly, and refilled it. With the 2 glasses in my hand, I walked back into the bedroom to see Cal hadn't moved from the bed. He saw me and managed sit himself up.

"Did we?" He asked, dazed.

"Yep." I replied awkwardly.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Drunken mistake?" I cut in, kind of embarrassed by what happened.

"I wouldn't call it a mistake." He spoke, slightly offended by my choice of words

"Neither would I. I'll see you soon Cal." I remarked, and made my way out.

A/N I'm so sorry x


	7. Chapter 7

I managed to get home without tripping. I was an absolute mess, hungover and ashamed of what I had done. It was early morning, so no one would be around to judge me, ragged make up and tired eyes. I knew my favourite way to get over a hangover was regular cola, and I had some at my apartment waiting for me. Fumbling about with my keys, I opened the door and walked in, locking the door behind my lone self. I walked straight to the bathroom. I took a long, hot shower to make myself try and feel less groggy. It did work in making me feel cleaner and not sweaty, but it had no bearing on my hangover. I brushed my teeth, hoping that would make my mouth feel fresher, and not have the dull notes of last nights alcohol lingering. It worked.

My attire for the day was what I'd normally wear, lazy leggings and an oversized tshirt along with my glasses. When I looked back at myself in the mirror, I noticed a bruise like area on my neck. Great, I have a hickey and a hangover. 2 for the price of 1. I made breakfast, nutella and toast for my battlefield of a stomach, fluoxetine to make my mind the civil rights movement, and cola for the hangover. This rather odd combination worked well, probably the high sugar content giving me more energy, making me less like a witch and more like my normal self. I finally felt like I was back to normal, whatever normal was. Even though on the whole I felt better, I still feel like theres missing pieces.

My compassionate leave is its final day. Tomorrow, I face the whole team, their constant inconspicuous glances trying to pick up on how well I will cope on a normal schedule. I'm ready. Ready for the looks, the questions and the patients. But not all patients. No big resus cases. Not until I'm fully ready, and I have no idea on how long that will be. It could be a few more days, or weeks until I'm ready. There will always be memories, and I cant completely let go of that, but I cant let them rule my work and professional development. I will put up my steel defences and soldier on, as normal, stethoscope around neck, a synthetic smile on my face, no one truly knowing the extent at which I hate myself.

Take the events of last night for example. I cant cope. I get drunk. I then stumble to Cal's house, kiss him and end up in a drunken short term romance along with a complementary overnight stay with him. I am so ashamed. He now thinks I'm easy, a slut or shallow, and I cant have him think that about me, because I'm not. They say everyone makes mistakes when their drunk, but they cant always be the mistake of hopping into bed with whoever will put up with your drunken non-sensical company. I told myself I would cope, and I've let myself go. For that I'm mad at myself. I cant take anymore of being awake, my head still hurts and my eyes are sore. Taking my glasses off, I fall asleep on the sofa like a kitten. I slept undisturbed for about 5 hours, until being awoken by a knock on the door. I groggily manoeuvred my body toward the door, easily seeing who was there through the frosted glass. The familiar short spiky light brown hair and the darkish green eyes, blurred by the frosty glass that separated us. I opened the door, letting the cold late November chill into my apartment. He was stood there casually, hands in pockets.

"Don't just stand there I'm bloody freezing!" I complained. He entered and stood in the hallway. He was staring at something and smirking.

"What are you staring at? Haven't you seen enough of me?" I said sharply.

"How did you get that?" He joked, pointing to the bruising on my neck.

"Very funny. What about you? Show yours off? Cover it in foundation, what did you say to everyone?" I asked, wanting to know if my identity had been disclosed as last nights 'pull'.

"Sore," he whispered and pulled the neck of his shirt and jacket down exposing the matching hickey. "and no I didn't tell anyone. So I am guessing last night was just drunken sex." He finished, putting his tshirt back in place.

"Yep. Why are you actually here?" I wondered, as it was rare anyone came to see me when they could just call or facetime.

"Mrs Beauchamp told me to remind you times up. You alright to go back in tomorrow?" He stated.

"Yeah I'm okay, I'm ready and if I wasn't so hung over today I would have gone in." I added, some truth in the statement.

"Great. See you tomorrow." He said, reopening the unlocked door and walking away.


	8. Chapter 8

I was half an hour early for my shift. I got changed into my scrubs. You could still see the memoir of the other night with Cal, prominently on display, contrasting both my scrubs and stethoscope. I sat down on the green seat, alone, allowing my mind to clear itself of whatever thoughts were circulating my brain. Losing track of time, I was pulled away from thinking by Ethan.

"Ready?" He asked, poised to get to work.

"Oh. Right, yeah." I replied, waking up after my deep thinking session. He smiled, and started to walk away, me following like an obedient puppy.

"You alright?" He inquired.

"Fine. Just. Mesmerised. I'll work in cubicles on my own." I replied, tiredly.

"I'm not sure thats a good idea-" he replied hesitantly. "Fine, can I work with Cal? No offence but for today I'd like to work with him." I pleaded, and Ethan gave in. He looked a little disappointed but nodded, letting me go. I found Cal, and told him that Ethan let us work together. He smiled, and walked to cubicles, on the way explaining how this was an uncooperative patient, in need of someone with miraculous people skills. Opening the curtain to the cubicle, there sat a teenager mindlessly scrolling through a newsfeed of some sort, not a worry at all about the massive deep cut on her upper arm.

"Rosie? This is Dr Bridges." Cal explained, trying to smile.

"And whats she gonna do?" She spoke sharply, an annoyed look on her face. "Are you two going out?" She asked, starting to giggle with a look of disbelief on her face.

"Why would you think that?" Cal replied as a come back. Rosie gestured to her neck, where our hickeys were situated.

"No, mines from walking into an open cupboard and Cal, being ever the player got his the other day with some girl he met in a bar probably." I added. The statement having no truth at all. this or what?" She said, falling for my cleverly executed excuse.

"You can go now Cal I'm more than capable to suture." I spoke, Cal leaving the cubicle. I explained what was happening, injecting the local, asking if she could feel various pricks and finally suturing. I also managed to hold a decent conversation with Rosie, turned out she was 14 and really interested in medicine as a career. I gave her advice on what to do, and with the cut of the sutures I was done."Done! I'll get a nurse to run through what to do and discharge you." I smiled. It felt good to be back and treating patients. I walked out the cubicle and found Cal again. We carried on the day in a similar way, me treating, watching and inputting on some cases. My break was now synchronised with Cal's, so it gave us a chance to talk more. No alcohol. Sober words, clear thoughts. I spent my break with tea, a biscuit and my phone, talking to Cal in between.

"You're amazingly talented for an F2." He said, standing in front of me leaning against the lockers.

"Ha, not really. I had no life at uni so my free time was spent with textbooks." I added, trying to joke about it."No, I mean it. You're amazing, beautiful and talented. I like you, and I'm glad the other night happened." He started to whisper to the end. I was blushing and looked up from my phone. I threw it in my pocket, and edged closer to the older doctor stood in front of me. Placing my arms around his neck, he winced as I touched his hickey. He leant down and kissed me. Kissing back, I relaxed, he deepened the kiss and pushed me up against the lockers.

"Caleb." Ethan said, just walking in, stopping when he saw us. We pulled apart, once Cal had heard his little brother, and stood in the same position."Nibbles. What do you want?" Cal asked sharply, annoyed at Ethan.

"Oh. Nothing." He responded, and overwhelmed, left the staffroom.

"Are we..." I asked.

"We are." He smirked.

Break nearing to an end, we walked out into the ED disarray. He knew I didn't want to do massive resus cases, so we took some minor trauma cases instead. The next best thing. About an hour after, Cal was called away to resus with Connie, so I was left to do some cubicle work on my own again. It was the usual things you see, abdo pains, cuts, fractures, small OD's and the occasional drunk patient. I tried to avoid Ethan after earlier but it was impossible. If it wasn't now then it would be tomorrow, so either way it would happen. "Amelia? About earlier."

"Oh god." I remarked, and Ethan carried on.

"The thing about Cal is, he is quite... Indecisive. A lot of people have been hurt in the past, and I don't want that to happen to you. Be careful, please." He spoke, full of concern for me.

"Thanks." I smiled and hugged the blonde boy, a bit taken back by this at first. I let go and carried on to showing the xrays to one of my array of fracture patients. Seriously, the citizens of Holby collectively seem to fracture more bones than I eat chocolate per year. Oh well, no point complaining, its what I signed up for.

With my shift over, I waited for Cal to meet me in the locker room. I changed out of my scrubs and resided my stethoscope to my locker, folding it up and placing it down. I waited for Cal.

"Hey." I smiled, looking at his facial expression, a cocktail of disappointment and annoyance painted on his face. "You okay?" I queried, wanting to know what was making Cal so annoyed.

"Lost 2 patients. Hasn't happened in a while, so a bit shell shocked." He replied, voice low and thick with sadness.

"It happens. How many people did you help today though? Think of that. And from what I've seen today, you're an amazing doctor, Im sure you did everything. Think happy Dr Knight." I said, smiling and comforting him.

"Ha, thanks. Lets go." He smirked.

**A/N - I don't know if I like this chapter :/ promise there is more Amelia x Cal relationship development soon!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**A/N - MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM AND DEPRESSION, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE TRIGGERED BY THIS. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF PLEASE, YOUR HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS FANFICTION. you have been warned x**

Waking up to a new day with someone next to me was a pleasant surprise. Cal had slept over again, and we weren't hungover. I nuzzled my head into his shoulders, and he slowly started to open his eyes. He rolled over, and saw me. I couldn't see all of him greatly as I didn't have my glasses on, and as I was trying to reach over to the bedside table I fell on top of him.

"Woah! Morning beautiful." He said, relatively quietly as he was still waking up and I was right next to him.

"Morning to you too. Want breakfast?" I managed to say between light kisses. I put my glasses on my face and everything became a lot clearer.

"Yeah, what time is it?" He pondered, frantically looking around for a clock.

"Hey, its only quarter to seven we have ages yet!" I explained, and a small smile lit up his eyes.

"Why don't we do something else if we have ages?" He smirked, and I knew what he was inferring.

"What did you have in mind? Because I was thinking breakfast and a shower." I teased, knowing this would slightly annoy him.

"You know what I mean!" His eyes meeting mine, and facial features soft but an intense passion raging in his eyes.

"Not really. Why don't you show me?" I joked, making him increasingly frustrated.

"Okay." He got quieter with his words, and started to crash his lips against mine, lightly and slowly at first, but slowly intensifying the kiss.

I finally got out of bed half an hour later, Cal following me so we could share a shower, his reason being 'to save water'. Being the person I am, I went along with it as I had probably annoyed him quite a bit already.

"Hungry?" I asked, stepping out the shower, wrapping myself in a light pink towel.

"Yeah, I'll just get myself some toast." He replied, doing the same but with the spare white towel. I picked up his clothes from the floor and handed them to him. I walked back into my room and found something to throw in, knowing it would only be changed for scrubs later. Cal had emerged from the bathroom, back in yesterdays clothes. I was fixing the front part of my hair, and I had no makeup on at all. As soon as I saw his figure appear in the mirror, I quickly covered my face with the pieces if hair that were being uncooperative.

"What you hiding for?" He asked, and from what I could see was edging closer.

"No! I have no makeup on, I look terrible!" I said rather loudly and quickly, still trying to cover up my naked face.

"Hey, its fine. Come on, I've seen you without make up on before, and your still stunning." He was at my level now, and his hand was nearing my face, and pulled the hair away from my face. I looked down, not wanting to look at him, until he tilted my chin up, making me look at him. He looked at my bare face, smiled, and shook his head a little.

"You're beautiful. Really. I'll go make breakfast." He spoke softly, and wondered out in search of the food. I finished fixing everything too look decent, creating a ponytail with 2 french braids at the side leading in to the hairband, fringe still out and hanging over my forehead. I put in my winged eyeliner, taking me 1 minute for each as by now I must have mastered it.

Cal and I both grabbed a slice of buttered toast for breakfast, taking it out the door and eating on the way to work. We changed into our scrubs, and entered the portal to normal life in an ED. With Cal being over I hadn't had a chance to take my normal fluoxetine, and the missing dose was definitely taking a toll on my mentality. When I first started, I felt like shit, and by the time Ethan and I were treating our second patient, I had such little energy, it hurt my eyes to keep them open and my thoughts made me want to sleep and never wake up again. Stepping out the cubicle to find the patients notes, Ethan finally spoke of the change in my persona.

"Amelia, are you okay? You seem very-"

"Tired? Depressed?" I cut in.

"I was going to say out of character. But yes, you do." He replied quietly, mot wanting to alert the others to my condition.

"Cal's been over the past few nights. I haven't told him about it yet, and I don't want him finding out until I tell him, so I didn't get a chance to take the meds. Im going to see if I can get some from pharmacy, or sneak back home and take them." I whispered in his ear, not wanting anyone else to know or tell Cal.

"Leave it with me, but for now can you find the notes and hassle CT." He replied and walked away, on his way to 'sort things'. Just as I was looking at Ethan walk away, Cal came up behind me.

"Hello!" He whispered in my ear, knowing I was in my own little fantasy.

"Hey." I replied, my voice having no emotion.

"Whats up with you?" He queried, head over my shoulders.

"Oh nothing. I just cant remember what I was meant to do.." I replied, looking under scattered papers hoping to find a clue, and to make myself look slightly busy.

"Ha, don't worry, knowing nibbles he would have done it. I gotta go, see you later." He beamed and ran off after Lofty called him over.

"Bye." and by the time I could say it he was gone. I felt so guilty for not telling him, but at the same time I didn't want to for the sheer fear he would leave me. It was shortly after this I couldn't stop the thoughts building and building, it was all too much. I put my head down on the scattered papers and felt the tears building in my eyes under my glasses.

"Doctor Bridges you are not here to mope around you are here to treat patients, it would much appreciated if you could do so." A voice interrupted my thoughts. Immediately recognising it was our great leader, I lifted my head up and looked at the notes.

"Sorry Mrs Beauchamp, its just I-"

"I don't want to hear it. Get on with your work please." She stopped me from speaking further, and just in time as I didn't come prepared with an excuse. She walked off in her killer heels, and as soon as she had left I resumed to my place with my head on the table. I was left there again, and miraculously managing to block out the chaos surrounding me. It was also pretty impressive that I was in a room full of people and I felt alone.

I managed to remember Ethan wanted CT called (repeatedly) and the notes chased up, which I did slowly with little effort. The older doctor approached and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Amelia. Have you got the notes?"

"Oh. Yeah. They're... Where the hell? I had them... But! I'm sorry... I've lost them. I cant function today." I stuttered, and ended up putting my head back down on the table and just wanting to listen to sad music and wallow over my mental pain.

"Its fine. Just go home, I'll tell Connie that you weren't feeling great. She'll understand." He insisted, and I did as I was told.

The walk home was tough. I didn't want to walk. I had no energy. I was exhausted from nothing. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again, and thinking of ways that could be instantly achievable. When I arrived at home I hauled myself to the bathroom. I opened the cupboard, and pulled out a makeup bag which held my recently unused fluoxetine and a small blade. I looked at the blade and closed my eyes, trying to stop myself going further. I picked it up the cool metal against my delicate exterior.

"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all." I said to myself. I had made 4 small cuts to my forearm, all parallel horizontal lines. I let them bleed for a bit before I began to dress them. I guess the perks of spending 5 years at medical school are you learn to reduce infection and scarring to even the smallest of cuts. Covering them in a bandage, I trudged into my room. Laying atop the made sheets, I felt numb. The thing about depression is many people conatate it with being sad, rolling on the floor and clutching your stomach, when its really not. Its just a sudden wave of emptiness, like everything you used to love is no longer appealing. Its confusing. You have no idea as to why you feel this way, your life is great, what do you have to be depressed about? Then there comes the guilt. Not being able to go and do basic tasks as you see no point, cancelling plans with others as you don't have the energy to get out of bed, you feel even worse for being a useless and unreliable lump.

But I guess thats what I am.

It physically hurts my eyes to stay open. I fell asleep and wished I would never wake up. Sleeping was my one escape from the grim reality, but it didn't last forever. We all have to wake up at some point, and I guess thats what happened to me. I woke up from the idealistic dreamworld and noticed the surroundings were not what they seemed and I cannot change this perception.


	10. Chapter 10

**The next day**

I had ran into the ED, firstly to wake me up and secondly to wear a hoodie to cover the fresh wounds. I had forgotten how easy it was to hide under long sleeves, but I had to find a creative way to hide them at work. I cant wear stacks of bracelets, or a long sleeve top under my scrubs. I messily put a bandage over my entire forearm, and was covered. Now time to think of the excuse. I slept on it weirdly and think I've sprained it? Let's go with that. I was changing into my scrub top when the door opened suddenly.

"Ethan! Do you not know about knocking?!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry! I didn't know you were in here! What have you done to your arm?" He asked shocked, gesturing to my (badly) bandaged arm.

"Stop looking! My faces is here, not down here. Anyway I'm Cal's." I said, gesturing to my exposed torso, only covered by my raspberry pink bra.

"Sorry, anyway, what have you done to your arm?" I pulled my top on and was about to walk out before he stopped me.

"I fell on it weirdly and now I think its sprained, okay!" I was almost screaming.

"At least let me take a look and bandage it properly, come on." He smiled, touching my shoulder, leading me into a cubicle. I sat down on the bed, and held my arm at a 90 degree angle. He went to unwrap the bandage and I looked down. I had seen he had fully exposed my arm, and I looked up, tears in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry Ethan I just... Please don't tell them, especially Cal. Not just yet." My voice trembled and became quiet.

"Why? I knew I shouldn't have sent you home alone.." He muttered, looking around, obviously upset.

"Its not your fault, please just bandage it and then we can work." I said, and he did so. Walking out the cubicle and toward the nurses station, picking up a set of notes and carrying on. As I was walking, Mrs Beauchamp stopped me.

"Amelia, as part of your rotation, ive decided it would be beneficial to you if you worked with a lot of different doctors in the ED, you know technique and all that, so I've spoken to Dr Knight and he says he would be alright with having you working under him." She explained, keeping her professional aura at all times, whilst I was thinking: 'I already am.'

"Okay! Does that start today?" I asked, slightly unsure as to when this would take effect.

"Yes, can you go find him? He should be in resus with a case for you to pick up on. Are you okay to go in resus after what happened?" I cant believe she asked this, maybe she wasn't so much of an ice queen after all.

"Yeah sure! Thank you Mrs Beauchamp." I chimed as I walked off in the opposite direction to resus. I slid through the door, tiptoeing up behind the doctor in grey scrubs and black skinny jeans.

"Hey, you know about this new mentor thing?" I stood beside him, he nodded and started to explain the patient."Okay, James Cross, 19 years old, difficulty breathing, still conscious. No signs of swelling or obstruction in the airway. Had only had O2 to little effect. No history of asthma or allergies."

"Hello James, I'm Dr Bridges and I'm going to be helping Dr Knight today. Lets get a chest CT to check for abnormalities or fluid in the lungs. Have we checked for pneumo or haemothorax?" I asked, wanting to know all prior treatment, making sure I was through.

"No, we only just got the patient." He replied. I removed my stethoscope from my neck and and started to check for breath sounds. Finishing the breath sounds check, I checked for a pneumo or haemo thorax.

"Breath sounds a little quiet, but both equal. No sign of pneumothorax or haemothorax; pneumonia?" I posed, wanting to know Cal's opinion.

"Probably. How do we know for certain?" He asked.

"FBC to check for infection and chest CT to see extent of fluid if there is any?" I replied, knowing I was correct.

"Brilliant! Robyn can you case up CT and the lab but for now can we keep his O2 up and keep an eye on his sats." He informed the group of buzzing nurses, then walking out of resus.

"What was up with you yesterday? And what have you done to your arm?" He said, looking at the bandage.

"Me? I felt dizzy and Ethan decided I should go home. As for the arm, I fell on it weirdly, Ethan's checked it over and agreed with me that its sprained." I went on, him believing my excuse.

"So you've been given the all clear to treat?" He inquired, wanting to know more.

"Yes, but anything I cant do because of my injury is a no, just as a precaution." I added, knowing he would take this too. I felt so bad for constantly lying to him. I know he cares, but some things are too complex to explain unless you experience them first hand. He's lucky. He's handsome, clever, medically talented, athletic and a great kisser, what more can he be, whereas you have me, a depressed potato with a weird haircut, glasses and eyeliner. Polar opposites. Little did I know I had stood still when thinking all this, and was taken away when Cal shone something in my eye.

"Okay what the hell are you doing?" I said, moving the little torch in the opposite direction. "I could ask you the same thing! You just froze there, you okay? Seemed away with it all." He laughed and playfully hit me on my good arm.

"Ha, yeah I was just thinking about resus and you know.." I went on, not even knowing where this rambling was going to get me.

"Its tough, but you're doing amazingly. A lot better than me as an F2." He laughed a little, and looked at me. "You sure you're okay? You look really tired!" He mentioned, and I had come up with a reply that would probably shut him up.

"Well whose fault is it I've had little sleep for the past few nights?" I sneered, but not talking with too much volume as someone may overhear."So what do you propose for tonight then? Wine and movies?" He asked, still talking quietly.

"Remember what happened last time wine was involved in large quantities?" I said, hoping to jog his memory to the night where I appeared drunk at his doorstep.

"Yeah-" he was stopped by Robyn coming up to him and saying CT's ready.

"Okay James we're sending you for a scan to see whats causing the breathing difficulties, whether its pneumonia or not, Robyn's going to be with you, okay?" I explained to James who nodded drowsily. He was then taken off to CT.

The CT and blood results came back as expected. Fluid on the lungs, raised white cell count, indicating pneumonia.

"Yep. James, you have quite a nasty case of pneumonia, so we'll start you on some antibiotics and transfer you up to a ward." I spoke, and he nodded again, too breathless to speak. He was transferred up to keller.

"My first resus case! Alive! And... And going to be fine! High five!" I rejoiced, holding my hand up and receiving a high five from the older doctor.

The rest of my shift was spent in constant flirty banter between Caleb and I. None of my patients noticed. None of the staff noticed. Brilliant. Hidden work relationship, A beautiful lie. As I walked into the locker room, I saw Cal was already there.

"Im going to have another quiet night tonight. Im sorry its just resus is tiring and I'm on early tomorrow so you know..." I said, going on and sounding whiney, like a 5 year old whinging at their parents."Yeah sure, I get it. I was planning on going out with the lads today." He replied, shaking my excuse off like nothing.

"Ha, have fun. If you go to any strip club you are dead." I added sharply, wanting to make sure he got that in his head.

"I wont, I swear!" He started to laugh a little, pecked me on the cheek and walked our separate ways.

At home I could be myself. Taking off the used bandage, I was free. I ate a tub of cookie dough ice cream and sat in the corner. I pressed shuffle play on Spotify on my phone, and _The Light Behind Your Eyes _by My Chemical Romancecame on. Listening to the familiar guitar chords play and Gerard's voice fill the room, tears began to invade my eyes.

**_'If I could be with you tonight_**

**I would sing you to sleep**

**Never let them take the light behind your eyes**

**I'll fail and lose this fight**

**Never fade in the dark**

**_Just remember you will always burn as bright'_**

**_I hated myself. I'm a mess. I cant even tell Cal about my depression and suicidal tendencies. He'll hate you, you liar. You cant even be honest to him! No wonder everyone in the past has left you far behind. YOURE NOT WORTHY OF HIM. He deserves far better. _**My mind started running. **Unstoppable. I needed to feel. **

**I am so ashamed. It was meant to be a one time thing.** I'm too tired for this.


	11. Chapter 11

TRIGGER WARNING, TRIGGER WARNING, TRIGGER WARNING. PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE TRIGGERED.

Chapter 11

Lies, and lies, and lies. I cant do this anymore. Having to constantly bandage my arm, lying to everyone. I thought I could get away with it. Turns out not. It had been 2 and a half weeks since I had been mentored by Cal, and Mrs Beauchamp wanted to know how I was getting on. I had a hoodie on, so took off the bandage, as the marks would be concealed by the sleeves. **Bad decision.** I knocked on her office door, and like on my first day months ago, she was sat at her desk, doing paperwork.

"Amelia, no need to sit down it will be quick." She said, not looking up from the sheets sprawled across the desk. "How are you getting on with Dr Knight?" She continued, looking up now, as she had finished whatever she was doing. I was fiddling with my sleeve, I had always done this whilst standing. Nervous habit I guess.

"Good. I think its great seeing how different doctors manage their cases in the ED, real learning experience." I answered, a fake happy tone in my voice. I had no idea what I was doing with my sleeve.

"Good." She was looking at my now exposed singular cut on my arm. "Whats that mark on your wrist?!" She asked, slightly angered.

Shit.

"The kitten." I panicked, knowing it was a rubbish excuse.

"Show me your wrist again," she said, whilst I held out my arm, disappointment and shame running through my bloodstream. She looked at the singular exposed cut, oblivious to the amount there actually was. "When did you get a kitten?" She said curiously, slightly believing my excuse.

"Im looking after a friends because they're on holiday." I remarked, making it a believable as possible.

"Okay. See you tomorrow Dr Bridges." She stated, and I walked out her office.

Phew.

Thank god I got away with that.

I hadn't been with Cal for a while out of work, so I called him. We met in a quiet bar in town, my bandage back on my arm.

"Hello! I forgot how good you look out of scrubs." He smirked.

"Yes well the NHS scrubs aren't the most flattering, no tight fitting tops, just snug fitting greeny-blue tops and matching bottoms, paired with trainers." I replied, my long winded answer making him laugh.

"I also forgot how sarcastic and blunt you are." He continued, smiling and ordered out drinks. I took small sips from my wine glass, smiling and laughing at Cal's anecdotes every so often. We spent hours in the bar, and collectively we went through 1 and a half bottles of wine, only to go back to Cal's to have more.

"Why are you still wearing your hoodie?" Cal asked, pulling my hood up over my face.

"Hoodie syndrome." I replied.

"What? I didn't learn that in medical school." He said, sounding shocked.

"Doubt you learnt anything in medical school! Anyway, its when you wear a hoodie for so long you feel really cold when you take it off." I joked, and he hit my forearm playfully. I winced, as he had hit some of the fresher cuts. He didn't notice though.

"Why don't we do something that we haven't done in a while..." He suggested.

"Are you getting mildly suggestive? What did you have in mind?" I asked, slightly teasing and slightly joking.

"Come with me." He smiled, and lead off to his bedroom.

"Cal..." I began, knowing he was drifting off. "I love you." I said. He began smiling and slightly laughing softly.

"You haven't said that before. But I love you too." He fell asleep next to me, our legs an intertwined mess. We woke up exactly the same as we feel asleep, weirdly Cal waking up before I did.

_'Symptoms of depression can include under sleeping and oversleeping.'_

Nuzzling his stubble into the curve of my neck, I had been woken by my pretty-faced alarm clock. I rolled on top of him, and placed my hands on the side of his body and chest.

"Don't wake up yet. We have ages, Friday night shift for us later." I said to him, as there was still plenty of time left to rest, as we weren't due in until 7. It was only 9. "I'm going to go home. I need a shower and a change of clothes." I yawned, getting out of the bed and pulling my clothes on in a rush.

"Before you go. I need to give you something." He said, holding out a key.

"Is that what I think it is?" I asked, astounded.

"Yes. So you can come here when we're on different finishing times, or you, you know want to eat all the nutella." He laughed, seeing my face shocked. I thought he never knew.

"Hey that was not me! Anyway you obviously didn't look in your locker yesterday as your key to my place is currently under your scrub top." I came back, hoping I would outsmart him.

"No I did, I saw you go into my locker. Nice try." He was now grinning like a cheshire cat. Walking back over to the bed, I kissed him goodbye and left his house.

I spent the hours before my shift alone, fiddling with my new key, and other pieces metal. I had cut more, and started writing a note.

_Cal, I'm so sorry. Somethings happened but I don't know what. I've kept a terrible secret from you. I've been lying to you for months. Ethan knows all of this. I've been depressed since 2nd year of uni, and been on a steady dose of fluoxetine to help, until you came along. You've helped so much, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. But the nights spent with you, are killing me. I haven't been able to take my meds, for the fear of you not loving me, and have slipped into a dark spiral. I have returned to my destructive self, only capable of hurt. I know this, as I hurt myself too. Recently I've relapsed into cutting to cope. Explains the bandages and quiet nights. This was a true sensation, nothing synthetic. If I fail and you want to leave me and never talk again, thats fine. I understand. I wouldn't stay with me either._

_Why did you stay? I'm too clingy, sarcastic, blunt, lazy, insensitive, ugly, fat and stupid. I don't understand you, Caleb Knight, and I love you. I'm so sorry._

_Amelia xx_

_PS - I'm so sorry I had to tell you this way. I cant tell you how much I love you, remember our last kiss. I truly mean it._

I had spent every night thinking of death. Rereading the note, it sounded like a suicide note, just to Cal. I read it so much it didn't even sound right. I decided if I was to go, I'd want everyone who mattered to have a personal goodbye. Starting to write again, tears formed in my eyes.

_Ethan. As I'm writing this I'm crying._

_Thank you so much for everything. You have been my one true friend throughout this, and you're truly an incredible person whose work helps a lot. I'm so sorry I've been a burden, I don't think you expected your new F2 to be so troubled. You were stuck with me, and like your brother you stuck around. I don't know what potential you see in me, my abilities as a doctor or a person. And whatever you do see, I don't. Please don't blame this on yourself, go out and be happy, remember, its not too late, its never too late. _

_I'm so thankful for all you've done. I love you._

_Amelia x_

_PS - I would like Sleep, The Light Behind Your Eyes and The Kids from Yesterday played by MCR, as well as The End Of All Things by Panic! At The Disco. Listen to the album One-X by Three Days Grace. Its a good description of what I've been feeling (or lack thereof)._

I folded both pieces of paper and wrote each brothers name on the right one. I put them in my bag, being careful not to scrunch them up. It was lunch, and I didn't eat a lot. I really wasn't hungry. It wouldn't matter in a few hours anyway.

**7:00pm, Friday 12th December.**

"Hey calm down, its fine!" Cal exclaimed.

"No! No its not, we're late!" I said, stressed out.

"Its fine!" He replied smiling. We were both changing into our scrubs (and late) and we both hadn't put our scrub tops on.

"What are you smiling like that for?" I asked my mentor, still smiling weirdly.

"You're really funny when you're stressed." He was now giggling, until I had hit his shoulder. He had his top in his hands and flicked it into my stomach, and I pulled a face somewhere in between I'm going to kill you and what the hell. Cal had me against the lockers and kissed me. I carried on the kiss, knowing it would be the last one.

"Right Dr Knight and Dr Bridges-" Mrs Beauchamp began, until looking at us against the lockers, pull apart embarrassed, much to our disappointment.

"You do know that is **COMPLETELY** against protocol! How long have you been doing this for?" She bellowed, and we both stood there awkwardly, exchanging looks.

"**Well?**" She continued, in the same tone as before.

"It was before you asked me to mentor Amelia. We, no, I should have told you. I'm sorry." Cal replied, disappointed about being found out.

"Right. Dr Bridges, go back to Ethan, and you, we'll talk about this in my office." She ordered, and I did as I was instructed immediately.

"Erm, hi." I quaked. "Mrs Beauchamp saw Cal and I kissing in the locker room, so now I'm back with you." I whispered, pushing my slipping glasses up the bridge of my nose.

"Oh. Awkward. Okay then, resus or cubicles?" He acknowledged, and posed the question at me.

"Ohhh, Resus!" I beamed, wanting to forget about what just happened.

"Okay. Next thing to come through then." He replied, slowly making his way over to the double doors.

"Ella-Jasmine Harrison, 14, found hung in her bedroom along with empty packets of lithium. Obvious damage to the airway, query neck injury too. Pulse is slow, 47, BP also low. Intubated at the scene." Iain said, before lifting the girl on a board over to the bed.

"Poor girl. ECG, LFT, toxicology, head and neck CT and xray please." I ordered, walking over to the distressed father near the door.

"Hello Mr Harrison, I'm Dr Bridges, I know its hard but could you maybe tell us how much Lithium she took and if she took anything else?"

"A lot of lithium, and as far as I know, nothing else. Is she going to be okay? You can make her better, right?" He spoke quickly, full of panic and concern.

"Its really difficult to say, if she does pull through then she may be left with serious damage due to the time her organs were starved of oxygen, and how much Lithium she took. We will try everything we can. If you have any questions about her treatment, feel free to ask Dr Hardy or one of the nurses. Can we get you anything?" I replied, trying to talk with tact as it was a very sensitive situation.

"No, thank you. Its okay." He trembled.

"Okay." I walked back over and started to wonder why her resps were so low even though she had been intubated.

"Ethan. Help, I cant think, why are resps still low even though she's intubated? No haemothorax, it wouldn't be the lithium?" I asked, puzzled.

"Breath sounds?" He replied.

"Quiet on the left, normal on the right." I started, "Collapsed lung, pneumothorax! But how?" I marvelled, curious as to how.

"Now isn't the time for how, we need to release the trapped air. I'll do it, you can't with your arm." He commanded, as I walked back over to Mr Harrison.

"Whats happening?" He queried, a little calmer than before.

"Right. She has a collapsed lung, so Dr Hardy is going to remove the air trapped in her chest. We can then take her to CT and xray to see if theres any damage to the neck, then up to theatre to repair the lung. She might also need dialysis because of the Lithium, but we can see what cardiothoracics, our heart-lung ward says." I explained, hoping it sounded like good news.

"So she'll be okay?" He asked, sounding a bit shocked.

"For now, yes. The quicker we can get her up to xray and theatre, the more chance there wont be any lasting damage to the lung." He was nodding, and smiling a little, and eyes shiny through a thin layer of tears.

"Thank you." He said, a stray tear running down his pale face.

"xray and CT's ready." Rita called.

The result came back clear, no damage to the neck. CT (cardiothoracics) then took her up for theatre. 1 hour into my shift and one life saved. By the end, one life will be lost. I knew I would do it in my first break. It would be getting busy, and they'll all be focused on handling the patients. I walked to my locker, and found the little makeup bag containing the pills, blade and notes. Only Ethan and I knew of a little store cupboard nobody else knew of, he found me there on the day of Theo's death. I'll go there. Making sure nobody saw, I slipped into the cupboard, and turned on the light. The area was surprisingly clean, it wasn't dusty or dark or cold, just like a cubicle, minus the medical equipment. I leant up against the wall, and slid down. I didn't care anymore. I had my phone in my pocket, pulling that out, I did 3 things. Text Ethan 'sorry'.

Plug in my headphones.

Shuffle my favourite playlist. The last sounds I will remember.

Placing the headphones in, I heard The starting of I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance. Unwinding the bandage, I knew it was finally all going to be alright. I made an arterial bleed on both arms. I held the notes in my hand, so they could be found whenever I was found. I let a small sigh escape my lips, and smiled gently. Its going to be okay.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

A/N - I'm so sorry. There is also a trigger warning on this chapter too, description of self inflicted injury (cutting/self harm)

**Ethan's POV**

I was on my break. From my scrub pocket, I had felt my phone vibrate, and now was my chance to check it.

1 new message. From Amelia. 15 minutes ago.

_"Sorry"_

I immediately knew what she meant. She must be in the ED, and I knew exactly where she would be. Running up to the empty store cupboard, I held my breath and prepared my eyes.

It was her.

She was sat on the floor, in her scrubs, familiar purple stethoscope around her neck. Eyes closed, and lips turning pale, the corners pointing up, a gentle, heartbreaking smile. Her arms, for the first time, fully exposed, and the blood slowly dripping out of a bleed. There were 2 folded pieces of paper with her, along with a navy makeup bag and a little razorblade. One of the pieces of paper was addressed to me, and the other to Cal. I picked up the notes and put them in my pocket. Poking my head out if the door, I screamed out "Max, Caleb? Some help and a trolley here please!" I commanded, and looked up to see both the doctor and porter confused, but running over with a trolley.

"Amelia?" Cal exclaimed, taken aback, a look of speechlessness on his face. "I want to treat her." He stated shortly.

"Caleb it's against protocol, and its not what matters now. We have a beautiful young life that needs saving, and what's important is we get her into resus now." I replied, in disbelief that I was arguing with my brother across a trolley carrying a dying friend.

"Fine. Lets go." He gave in, understanding the urgency.

"Max can you get Mrs Beauchamp please? We need to tell her what's happened." I carried on, still looking down at the frail girl lead on the bed.

We got Amelia into resus. Mrs Beauchamp was informed, but didn't join the case as there were many others that needed a consultant. Amelia had to settle for Cal and I.

"Pulse is slow, BP low and resps dropping." Lofty announced, and it was only a matter of minutes until her heart ceased to beat.

"Guys, she's arresting. Cal, can you begin CPR." I called, and Cal went over to the side if the bed, beginning place his hands on her chest, starting compressions.

"Come on, don't die. Wake up Amelia." Cal muttered, stressed, stray tears escaping and running down his face, leaving small patches on the blood stained scrub top, still on the young doctor.

"30. Pulse check?" He exhaled, tired mentally and physically.

"Nothing." Lofty replied disappointedly. Cal restarted compressions, with all the effort he had left. He finished his cycle of 30 compressions, and a new pulse check.

"Pulse is slow. We need her up in theatre now." I ordered, and theatre took her for an artery repair.

Once she was transferred up, I gave Cal the note addressed to him.

"For you. I'm going up with her, you coming?" I asked, seeing he was shattered from emotional trauma and the physical exercise from the compressions.

"Yeah." He replied shortly, and placed his head against the wall, his hands pushing against the structure. I placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on. Go take a break. I'll go up to her." I muttered, and left my brother to trudge to the staffroom.

Cal's POV.

I cant believe what I've just done. Just witnessed. I stayed where I was, against the resus wall even after Ethan had gone. I was in the same position as the day Ethan came in from the crash, and the feeling was the same. I let out a sigh, and slowly moved myself away from the door. I walked into the staffroom, and didn't hold back anymore. Seeing the lockers, I was reminded of the events of before and even earlier. She was a force to be reckoned with, unstoppable and powerful. I collapsed onto the sofa where I once shared a kiss with Lily, and got the note out of my pocket. It was a plain piece of paper, folded into quarters, her childlike writing on one of the folded sides, simply reading 'Caleb'. With shaky hands I unfolded the note, and began to read it.

_"Cal, I'm so sorry. Somethings happened but I don't know what. I've kept a terrible secret from you. I've been lying to you for months. Ethan knows all of this. I've been depressed since 2nd year of uni, and been on a steady dose of fluoxetine to help, until you came along. You've helped so much, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. But the nights spent with you, are killing me. I haven't been able to take my meds, for the fear of you not loving me, and have slipped into a dark spiral. I have returned to my destructive self, only capable of hurt. I know this, as I hurt myself too. Recently I've relapsed into cutting to cope. Explains the bandages and quiet nights. This was a true sensation, nothing synthetic. If I fail and you want to leave me and never talk again, thats fine. I understand. I wouldn't stay with me either._

_Why did you stay? I'm too clingy, sarcastic, blunt, lazy, insensitive, ugly, fat and stupid. I don't understand you, Caleb Knight, and I love you. I'm so sorry._

_Amelia xx_

_PS - I'm so sorry I had to tell you this way. I cant tell you how much I love you, remember our last kiss. I truly mean it."_

My eyes mused over every word. Halfway through reading the note, I started to sob, not bothering to fight the tears that formed.

I then understood.

**It was all my fault.**

A young life was almost lost tonight - because of me.

"_the nights spent with you, are killing me._"

I carried on reading the rest of the note, and had to go to Ethan. I could feel a wave of panic rush over me, and ran to the ward where Amelia would currently be in theatre.

**3rd person**

Ethan was sat outside Keller theatre 2, where Amelia was having her arterial repair. Cal walked up the the younger brother, who had taken his glasses off from crying. As Ethan heard footsteps approach, the boys red eyes met. They stood up and pulled each other into a hug, tears staining each others scrub tops. There was silence, but conversations too.

"Its all my fault, isn't it?" Cal asked Ethan, starting to tear up.

"No, no its not. What happened, was sudden and unstoppable. At least she'll be okay." The blond boy replied, placing a comforting hand on the elders shoulder.

"But in the note she said the nights spent with me killed her", said the older doctor, trying to justify the situation whilst his panic continued to build. "She almost died because of me, Ethan, because of me!" Cal was almost screaming, the tears streaming now, making his eyes even redder and sorer.

"She almost died because she loved you and didn't want to hurt you." In his reply Ethan remained the same tone throughout, the memories flooding - the discovery of fluoxetine, her first cuts. Amelia had opened up a lot to Ethan, and it hurt him to see her bright eyes darkening and becoming duller, equally as much as it hurt him to see his brother blame himself for what happened.

The brothers stayed in the same spot until Mr Levy and Miss Fanshawe came out of theatre along with Amelia. They were then taken to Amelia's recovery room, where she would be staying for the duration of the post-surgery stay.

"Right, we've managed to repair the arteries with minimal blood loss and vascular compromise. She wasn't hypovolemic, so there shouldn't be lasting damage to the brain or any other organs." Mr Levy informed the brothers, who smiled gladly before being interrupted by Miss Fanshawe.

"We will need to have her assessed by psych though, in case there needs to be a change of medication, or additional cognitive behavioural therapy." The small red haired surgeon told the brothers, who weren't really fazed as they expected this to happen afterwards. Miss Fanshawe then left the room, leaving the unconscious Amelia, Ethan, Caleb and Mr Levy in the room.

"She did a rotation up here for a bit, talented little thing. Shame she thought this was her only way out. You two alright for her to have visitors? Just some of our junior doctors were quite close to her." The doddery doctor asked the brothers, who looked at each other and nodded in synchronisation.

"Okay. You both okay? Can I get you anything?" He queried, and Cal looked at the sleeping girl and Ethan shook his head and answered the raspberry scrubbed surgeon.

"Oh, no thank you, you've done enough for us, thank you Mr Levy."

The surgeon left, leaving the boys to sit there, next to Amelia, as she recovered from the anaesthetic. The ED team wasn't yet fully informed of the incident, so Ethan decided to walk down and explain what happened, whilst Cal stayed with the fragile brunette doctor.

Meanwhile, the ED was certainly feeling the strain of the Friday night shift. They were seeing the first set of drunks, and it was the 'calm before the storm period', meaning it wouldn't be completely disruptive for the team to get together and find out the events of the night. Within 5 minutes of asking everyone to meet in the staffroom, Ethan was stood on the table trying to get everyones attention.

"Whats he doing up there?" Robyn joked, pointing toward the nerdy doctor awkwardly trying to grasp everyones attention.

"Right, team?" He began to get louder, and the team fell silent when Connie joined Ethan on the table and asked for everyones attention.

"Okay. Earlier tonight, there was an incident involving Dr Bridges. She was found in a cupboard bleeding out with 1 arterial and 1 venus bleed, with what was a suicide attempt. She's been transferred up to Keller where she has just come out of theatre for an arterial repair, and is still sedated. Her surgeons have said the op went well, with minimal blood loss and vascular damage. She was not hypovolemic or hypoxic so there should be no lasting damage. Cal and I would appreciate it if you could keep this quiet not only now, but when she has recovered and back down here on non clinical duties. The last thing Amelia will need is stigma from her colleagues. Thank you." Ethan addressed the team and stepped down off the table, where the clinical lead stood.

"If any of you need someone to talk to about this, there is me or Dr Hanna. If you feel the need, counselling is available. Back to work." Connie added, and as soon as she had finished the team resumed their places, many shocked at the news just delivered.

When Ethan had finished the cramped lift journey back to Keller, he noticed Cal hadn't moved from where he was 15 minutes ago, his hand placed on top of Amelia's, eyes tracing her soft features.

"Hey." Ethan practically whispered as he greeted his older brother, not wanting to startle him. Ethan pulled a chair over, sitting on the opposite side of the bed to Cal, mirroring his position, hand laying awkwardly atop hers. The brothers remained fixated like this for countless minutes, until the recovering girls eyelids started to weakly flutter open.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N - I am so sorry its taken so long to post this. Interesting things planned for this - and if I don't update before Merry Christmas and happy new year to all my readers x**

"Amelia, its Ethan! Squeeze my hand if you can hear me." Ethan called to the slowly waking girl, whose hand was in his and lightly squeezing back. The boy smiled and looked over to his brother, who took the girl's hand and smiled, knowing she'd be alright. Her arm moved under his, and she was clearly trying to reach for the oxygen mask covering her nose and mouth. She removed the mask, and tried to speak.

"So... S-sorry. I-I failed." She stammered weakly, upset and tired.

"Hey, its okay. Don't try to speak, just rest. I'll tell Sacha that you're awake." Ethan told Amelia, who was a mixture of emotions.

**Amelia's POV**

After 2 days stay on Keller, I was finally let free. I saw the old Keller lot quite a lot, especially Dom and Digby, as Zosia's been away a lot. I can't stand to see Cal and Ethan, I'm too ashamed. I failed, again. Why isn't this a surprise? Of course I was destined to fail, what else can I do perfectly? The boys have still been visiting, on breaks and halfway during their shifts, somehow without Connie noticing.

I returned home to my apartment, where everything was exactly how I left it, my pillows sprawled across my bed, clothes thrown everywhere and pieces of my notebook filled with drawings by my bedside and the falling angel drawing sticking out from the corner. My sheets were unwashed, and I could see the diluted black stains on the pillow, from the tears and nights spent with another. I laid down on the bed, instantly the memories of nights spent with company came flooding in. His scent was trapped in the sheets, suffocatingly sweet.

I had to keep my arm dry for 72 hours; so no showers for another day. I had slept a lot in hospital, so I started studying. No point failing F2 exams or forgetting protocol for head injuries. I ate dinner, something small, followed by a bowl of assorted fruits, something I had missed in my stay away. The study was accompanied by fruit and Panic! at the Disco, a fever you can't sweat out on shuffle. Reading through emergency treatment of SSRI overdose patients and intubating I remembered I had to take a trail dose of lithium in order to be cleared by psych, who thought the meds weren't working. The new tablets were smaller than the old fluoxetine; small, flat, white circles in a box, as opposed to traditional duo-toned capsules in a jar. I took one now, as I was instructed to take 3 tablets a day and went back to studying.

Roughly 40 minutes later I had finished my allocated study time, so I sat down and looked at my phone. I brought up some old conversations between me and Cal, and frantically started typing a new message.

_"Tell Ethan we aren't together. Keep the us secret bc of my 'psych problems'. love A xxx" _

Hitting send, I remembered the times Cal had come to see me in hospital. He really wasn't mad at all, just frustrated and annoyed I didn't tell him. I've made sure he doesn't blame himself, and I know he still does a little, but not completely. Some things are easier to understand when you have lived through it yourself, and he obviously hasn't. As far as our relationship goes from here, the same - but secret. Waiting a couple of seconds, a reply came in.

_"Okay ;) on early tomorrow -need my beauty sleep. Night beautiful xx"_

_"Haha, 'beauty sleep'... sure i'll believe that. You better wake up bloody handsome then ;) night xx"_

I sent back, and he had already gone to sleep as I had no reply. As the night dominated the sky and the stars began to reveal, I turned off all the lights and returned to my bedroom. I slipped between the sheets and the self-generated warmth embraced my small being, and the scent of Cal sent me to sleep easily.

I woke up the next day and threw myself out of bed, unlike many previous mornings. I had a decent breakfast, some cereal and orange juice with a small dose of lithium to make me 'sane'. I jumped in the shower, pulled on whatever and made my face look 'decent'. Running out the apartment, I grabbed my bag and ran to work, stopping by Starbucks on the way, getting a christmas drink in one of the red cups. I took the lid off the cup to stir in more sugar, the heat misting up my glasses. Perfectly on time, I changed into scrubs. I looked in my locker hoping to see my stethoscope, but it wasn't there. My hair was already back, so I just walked out as I was, a doctor minus a stethoscope.

"Ethan! Where is my stethoscope I cant find it anywhere! I checked at home yesterday, and its not in my locker. I cannot do primary surveys without a stethoscope can I?" I asked Ethan, whining and complaining whilst picking up a set of notes from the nurses station, before being stopped by Ethan's hand lightly on my arm.

"Amelia, you wont be treating patients today. You'll be on non clinical duties for this week until you've had a full clearing by psych." As he informed me of this, he could see my face drop, what was the point of coming in today, a perfectly qualified doctor, to be told I'm on non-clinical duties? I stormed into an empty cubicle, and Ethan followed behind.

"There's nothing wrong with me though! I am perfectly okay to be treating!" I turned round to face him and replied, shocked at he had told me. He knows I am an excellent doctor, whatever has happened cannot define me.

"You attempted suicide last Friday! I am really sorry. You are an excellent doctor but we cannot put other people, or yourself at risk." He spoke calmly, as if afraid of saying something possibly offensive.

"There is nothing wrong with me. But for the sake of cooperation. I will spend today on non-clinical duties. I may as well have stayed at home." I replied sharply, tapping my foot on the floor, angry at how I am being stigmatised for mental health.

Non-clinical duties consists of talking and helping. 2 things I can do, but just not as well as some other people can. I had follow Ethan on cases as usual, just not hands on. Needless to say, being the person I am, I still gave my opinion on treatment options, which Ethan ordered anyway. It was monotonous yet surprisingly fun, a six year old, Jack, came in after his mother was rushed in with appendicitis. I was in charge of looking after him, and it was so much fun. Cal had gone home by then, so I stole his stethoscope from his locker and let him listen to his heart. We also went to see Iain and Dixie, where Iain showed him all of the parts of the ambulance whilst Dixie and I gossiped over tea and chocolate biscuits. When we had finished at the ambulance station, Jack and I sat around in the staffroom a little longer, where he had fallen asleep on my leg.

"Well this is awkward." I said to myself, whilst finding a cushion to substitute for my leg. Moving myself lightly as to not wake him, I replaced my leg with a cushion, and sat back down near him. I pulled out my phone and found I had a message from Cal, which was when I had remembered I had his stethoscope in my pocket. I pulled the 'deathoscope' out of the deep pocket and returned it to his locker. I sat back down and read the message from Cal.

_"Come to mine later. Have some fun ;)" _

I looked around and bit my lip through smiling, and typed a reply quite quickly.

_"Ha, alright. What did you have in mind?"_

_"Oh you'll find out.."_

I laughed at the last text, Jack had woken up and Ethan had walked through the door.

"Whats so funny?" He asked, wondering why I was laughing like no one was watching.

"The goats climbing 90 degree slopes just to lick salt deposits.. They crave those minerals." I laughed, and he looked confused.

"Anyway, shes stable and about to be transferred so you can bring little Jack to see her." He smiled and left, and I looked over at Jack, who was now stood in front of me.

"Melia, can I see Mummy now? Is she better?" He asked, looking at me hopefully.

"Yeah, shall we go see her now?" I asked and he nodded. He was still sleepy and it was beginning to get busy so I carried Jack through to resus, where he sat on the bed with his mum, before being taken with her up to the ward she was being referred to.

"You ever thought of going onto paeds? The kids would love you." Ethan said, smiling.

"What?! No! Imagine that! Me on paeds wow..." I replied, shocked at the suggestion.

"Anyway my shift, that could have been spent doctoring, is over. I will see you tomorrow." I said to Ethan, walking out of resus before being stopped.

"Amelia, it wasn't me. I didn't want you to be on non-clinical duties. Mrs Beauchamp requested it." He shouted across the room before I looked up and smiled. I knew.

I walked back home and looked in admiration at the Holby christmas lights, scattered around the city, sending festivities through everyones veins. I went home and grabbed my lithium tablets, it would be likely I was staying the night. I had arrived at the older doctors house, the familiar surroundings unchanged.

"Hello. I see no bouncy castle or ball pit. What fun do you have planned Caleb?" I asked, leant up against the doorframe, looking at him, smiling because he hates the way I wind him up, and call him Caleb.

"Well, why don't we try something... Exotic." He replied, smirking.

"Are you asking me to do a pole dance or something?!" I grinned, mouth wide open.

"No but if you want I'm not stopping you..." He retorted, smiling uncontrollably. I flounced off to the bedroom, Cal hitting my bum as I walked by. I sharply inhaled from shock, and scowled at him, who was still grinning, slowly following behind me. We were now standing at the end of the bed kissing, and I pushed him down onto the bed, dominating. I was a sexual predator, and in that moment I felt so sexy. The night was spent with company.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N - sorry for the earlier version of this chapter, I write on my iPhone and when I copied into Doc Manager something went wrong :/**

To say that it was a sleepless night wouldn't have been completely true; we did sleep, but we got distracted. Cal was on a rare day off, but I had to be in normal time, so I had to get out as I was. I had no time to go home, if I did, I would be late. I left a note for Cal as he wasn't awake yet, and when I woke, I had to escape the entanglement of our bodies.

Luckily my makeup had stayed well, my investments in new waterproof cosmetics paying off. I sprinted in, constantly looking at the time on my phone, and I was just in on time. Throwing on my scrub top, I flung my bag into my locker and tipped my hair back into a ponytail, the curls from yesterday looking softer, turning into lazy waves. I played the game of 'Where's Ethan?' and found him waiting for me at the nurses station.

"My stomach is on empty, what am I doing today?" I asked, wanting to get on.

"Well first you are going to get something to eat, and Mrs Beauchamp says you can go back to clinical duties! Hurrah!" He replied, smiling as he knew I'd be happy.

"Oh my god! Thank you! I can't treat without my stethoscope can I?"

"No you can't. Here." He said, rummaging through a drawer and when he found the purple tubed stethoscope, he held it at both ends and put it around my neck.

"Welcome back, Dr Bridges." I spoke to nobody in particular.

"Oh, A, don't forget to eat something. And find me when you need anything." Ethan shouted to me as I walked away, and I simply replied with, "Yes Ethan!".

I grabbed a sandwich from the canteen and ate it quickly, as I didn't want to delay treating, especially as many would be watching me. I ran over to cubicles and picked up my first case. Abdominal pains! I swear most of the cases we see here could have gone to their GP first. I drew back the curtain, a female patient was sat up on the bed desperately clutching her stomach.

"Miss Conner? I'm Dr Bridges and this is Lofty, we'll be treating you today." I introduced myself, followed by Lofty, who stood and smiled as he normally did.

"Fucking finally! Oh, its Kaelyn by the way." The woman spoke, Irish accent strong. She was pale faced, whether naturally or due to her being ill unknown, but she wore quite a dramatic, dark and bold eye look, consisting of almost completely black.

"Right. How long have you had the pain?" I asked.

"Its just flared up today, its really painful." She replied and I had one thought racing through my mind.

"And anything like this happened before?" I queried.

"No, started real bad today." She informed me between sharp intakes of breath, still clutching her stomach.

"Is it alright if I take a look?" I asked again, and Kaelyn nodded. There was no sign of mass, or anything unusual.

"I would like to have an abdominal CT, bloods, ECG and urine test please Lofty, and 5 of morphine for the pain." I smiled at the nurse, who then ordered the appropriate tests. I saw Ethan and literally jumped up behind him.

"How's your day going? I have an abdo pains patient and am now going to help a child who fell out a climbing frame with a broken collar bone. I love cubicles. See em in and ship em out." I began, stood blabbering on to him.

"What about the caring aspect? No point in diagnosing without care." Ethan replied, slightly annoyed at what I had said.

"Well my aim is diagnostic excellence, no breaches and high quality medical care. If you focus on the care too much then you misdiagnose and breach. Something I've learnt from other doctors." I remarked, knowing it might make him think. "Anyway, I was wondering could I maybe assist you in resus and cubicles later? Because you know.. You are my mentor and I'm meant to be shadowing and learning.. Your hair looks different today - good different." I rambled, anxious that I was annoying him.

"Amelia, you okay? You're talking really fast and your very... Energetic." He pointed out, obviously treading carefully around the problem of my mental health. "Oh, I'm grand. Now if you'll excuse me, we have patients to treat. Wouldn't want any breaches, would we Dr Hardy?" I smirked and then walked off to my other patients.

About 35 minutes later, Lofty came to me with Kaelyn Conner's blood and urine test results.

"Miss Conners been up to CT, scan and results are here." He said, handing me the tablet that showed her CT.

"Right, free fluid in the abdominal cavity and blood in urine, bloods normal, CT shows there's a tear in the spleen. Call AAU or Keller and see whoever's got a bed free, she'll need urgent surgery to repair it."

Kaelyn was sat up on the bed like before, hooked up to the morphine drip, but still holding her stomach.

"Right, we have the CT, blood and urine test results back. Your blood tests came back normal, so theres no sign of infection. However, on your CT scan we found a tear in the spleen. I'm afraid you'll need surgery to repair it, the surgeon will be coming to talk you through and take you up to the ward." I informed her, and she was looking at me throughout, almost analysing what I was doing. I began writing in her notes.

"You're very young, aren't you? One of those junior doctors right?" She stated."Yeah, I'm 24 - I'm an F2.."

"And they let you treat on your own - must be pretty talented then." She replied, obviously shocked.

"Oh, Amelia, trauma case on the way in, ETA 9 minutes, do you wanna lead?" Ethan burst in, and I looked at him sternly as I was in the middle of something with a patient.

"Sorry.." He said, waiting for my reply.

"Okay, let me finish writing this up and I'll be there." I replied, still writing. "Done. The GS surgeon will be down in a minute to talk you through whats going to happen." I informed Kaelyn, and Serena walked in.

"Amelia! Hows life in the ED?" The consultant asked me, not expecting to see me.

"Exactly the same on AAU Miss Campbell. Anyway, Kaelyn Conner, 28, tear to the spleen. I'll leave you to explain what will happen." I smiled and bounced out the cubicle to start my break.

3 hours later, I wondered around the ED to try and find Ethan. He was in a cubicle with a patient alone, and the patient was quite violent. I walked in as Ethan was being knocked back by a punch to the face.

"Right. That is no way to treat the doctors here. You need to show some respect or you wont be treated, do you understand? " I shouted, wanting to make myself clear.

"Ethan, you okay?" I asked the blond doctor who was getting up slowly, holding his hand to his cheek.

"Right I'll get Lily, and you, into an empty cubicle for me to sort that out. I'm sure Dr Hanna can take resus, anyway my shifts almost over." I instructed the older boy, who did as I said.

I handed Ethan a mirror as he was curious as to how bad his injuries were, and he took a sharp intake of breath when he saw the cut and the slowly forming bruising.

"Hey don't worry! With my medical skills you'll have that pretty little face. Right, cant get that close with your glasses on soo... " I said, slowly removing the glasses from his face. I held them out for him to hold, and he fiddled with them whilst I was preparing the paper sutures.

"You look really good without your glasses!" I exclaimed.

"Really? Because I can't see you without them." He replied, and I was slightly confused.

"Don't trust my suturing skills? Anyway, what's so great about seeing me? I thought you would have cared about being able to actually see to treat!" I giggled

"Well you're beautiful, you don't see it, but I do. Maybe.. Deep down.. I- I like you." He mumbled, fiddling with his glasses again.

"Well that's good. I like you too, and yes, in that way." We slowly moved even closer until we kissing. "Right. Lets fix this pretty boy and we, at least I, can get out of here." I smirked, and began putting on the paper sutures.

"Stay still! God, doctors are the worse patients. Especially you, Dr Hardy." I whined as Ethan wouldn't stop talking. "I'm almost done, one more.." I said, placing the last piece on his skin, putting the tweezers down and picking up a cotton ball to clean any of the blood left.

"And we're done! You, Dr Hardy are my last patient of the day, now I'm going home. You coming with me or what?" I asked, still in the cubicle. He hauled himself off the bed, and followed behind me.

We were in the locker room getting changed out of our scrubs together, and I had just taken off my scrub top when Ethan said something.

"Did that kiss earlier mean anything?" He asked looking at me stood there, torso covered only by my bra.

"Do you want me to show you what it meant?" I asked, replying with another question. We again edged closer, we both had our glasses on, making it a bit weird. I placed my hand across the curvature of his cheek, and kissed him.

"Look, I meant it. Whats the point in doing something without meaning? I liked you since the day I knocked the files out of your hand, and the other work romances have been a mistake. I don't think things last when you start them on drunk, slurred feelings. When you start them like this.. You might actually have a chance of things lasting." I whispered looking down and smiling at the floor. We were still face to face, and stayed like that for a second until he laughed for no reason.

"Whatt?" I giggled.

"I never thought this would happen. Its funny.." He said, unable to contain his childish giggles throughout.

"What? Cute boy kisses weird nerd? Yes extremely unheard of." I said, statement lacquered with sarcasm. I pulled on my top and fiddled with the collar of the fake leather jacket.

"Are you coming back to mine or what?" I chimed, throwing my burgundy backpack over my shoulder, waiting for Ethan's reply.

"I'll go back to yours. Lets go." He replied, appearing next to me ready to leave the ED.

Near the ED we appeared as simply friends walking out, but when we got in Ethan's car, we could be a little more than friends. We arrived outside the apartment block and we had to climb the mountain of stairs.

"How many stairs are there?" Ethan whined as we had walked up. I walked up the final flight and was stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for Ethan who was slowly emerging. I walked over to him as he was leant against one of the walls.

"I cant believe you made me walk all that way." He complained, being very dramatic.

"Don't be such a drama queen! That was only 2 flights of stairs. Anyway, I don't think you'll regret it.." I smirked. He moved closer, we were up against the wall, and he kissed me. One of the neighbours walked past, letting out a small sigh.

"New boy again? Hardly surprised, slut like you." They yelled, and we paused for a minute until they walked off.

"Just ignore them." Ethan reassured me, and we fully broke apart.

"Lets go inside." I stated, opening the door to the apart after finding the right key.

We sat down and ate whatever I could put together and watched my favourite film, guardians of the galaxy.

"WHAT?" Ethan cried out at the heartbreaking Groot scene, meanwhile I was wiping away a stray tear that had fallen.

"I know, he had to." I assured, cuddling my owl cushion more. We were sat on the same sofa, at opposite ends, but we were slowly moving closer towards the middle. By the end of the film, we had found ourselves next to each other, and I just looked at Ethan and his reactions to the end of the movie.

"Hey, now thats done, what do you want to do?" I asked, wanting to know what he was thinking.

"What are you thinking? You've got that look in your eye.." He replied hesitantly.

"Only if you want to. Its late and if you want to stay here for the night and not do anything then thats fine, we don't have to yet." I smiled, as he looked a bit uncomfortable.

"No, I do. Lets go." He smiled.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N - I am so sorry its taken this long to update this! I took a little hiatus to sort a few things out, hopefully I'll be updating a bit more regularly now xx**

It occurred to me at one point that night that I had accidentally slept with Ethan's brother the night before. Shit. I went back to sleep but realised I had to make Ethan not tell anyone about us. I'll use the same excuse as before, I'm unpredictable, still trailing the new lithium, and will have to change if needs be.

I was woken in the morning by Ethan's phone going off quietly. He nuzzled his chin into the corner of my neck, before whispering a simple "morning beautiful" in my ear and kissing the soft spot under my ear.

"Morning to you too pretty boy, you regretting anything? Because you better not, wouldn't want things to be awkward would we?" I smiled, rolling to face him and biting my lip throughout.

"Not at all." He replied, and I passed him his clothes from the end of the bed.

"We can't tell anyone Ethan, not even Cal. We could be struck off - look at what almost happened to Cal. I couldn't risk your career." I said, remembering Cal had only just avoided a hearing after the kissing incident. Ethan nodded, and started to roll over to the little bedside table where his glasses were.

"Im going to shower, help yourself to breakfast." I smiled and walked off to the bathroom.

Once I was dressed, I found Ethan in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal in front of him. I hadn't checked my phone, but I knew I had a lot of messages from Cal.

"Come back to mine tonight! I missed you last night - i hate sleeping alone ;) x"

"Okay. Me too, I went insane last night. I think I'm addicted to you, Cal x" I was smiling uncontrollably and noticed Ethan was looking over.

"Anything exciting?" He asked.

"No, just something one of my friends sent me - its a bit of an inside joke." I replied, and started to make some toast. Once it was all done I sat next to Ethan, he too had been scrolling through a feed on his phone. I hadn't read any messages, but it was one long conversation.

"Wow. Thats a long conversation. I thought you were scrolling through twitter or something!" I exclaimed from behind his shoulder, and he seemed to close it after I said that.

"Yeah. One of mine and Lily's old conversations." He said, a sadness in his eyes.

"You and her used to go out - didn't you?" I stated, and he looked kind of surprised that I knew.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"Lets just say me and Cal got incredibly drunk, he blurted it out and then we had drunken sex." I replied and continued to eat my toast.

We left my apartment and walked down to Ethan's car.

"If anyone sees us, you saw me walking and gave me a lift. One story makes it believable." I smiled, and he nodded. We arrived at work on time, and no one noticed we came in together. In all honesty, no one had time to notice. A big part of working in the ED is having to deal with a lot of patients that have nowhere else to go. Whether it be a homeless student to an abandoned elderly person, we have to see them all. If in the end it appears nothing is wrong, we send them home. If they don't need medical attention, we also send them home. Its cut throat and not all the sexy medical cases you'd see on medical dramas. Ethan and I got changed into our scrubs, we both had scratches on our backs, and I could feel a little hickey coming along.

"Ethan.. Have you seen your neck?" I asked as there was a bruise quite high up his neck, very noticeable. My hickey just peeked out of my scrub top, but it was quite dark.

"I can cover it up with some foundation if you want, you know - cover ourselves." I suggested and he nodded. I pulled out my makeup bag, and got out the palette of different toned foundations and concealers - something I had bought to cover the failure marks on my arms. Once we were finished, we stepped out and found a cases to pick up on. It was a long shift, a busy one too. Since I was working alone most of the time, not under the watch of anyone other than the patients and anyone else involved in the care, I could easily talk to the brothers separately with no one noticing.

"You not changing your shoes? Or your jeans?" Ethan asked and looked at my black converse high tops and black skinny jeans.

"Are you trying to find a reason to see me in my underwear again?" I remarked, and he seemed a little shocked.

"Oh - no, not at all! Its just that its busy and you know what its like with patients and vomit.." He replied, and I just laughed. He was so awkward about the whole thing it was to be honest kind of cute. All of the above was said quietly just to be sure that no one heard. A few more smiles and smirks were exchanged before I walked towards triage, and as I walked off I could tell Ethan was looking at me.

Cal was in triage too, there had been an accident involving 2 coaches, both full with people. It had been as if fate had chosen this day for this to happen, as St James' decided to shut down their ED. Apparently they were at capacity. Yeah right, if they had seen the madness going on here they would have reopened their doors straight away. Other than Cal and I, Zoe was the only other doctor in triage. Seeing patients in and out, it was mainly the nurses taking charge and sending anyone who they wanted a higher opinion on to one of us.

I was looking at an xray and Cal came up behind me, maybe a bit too close. Zoe looked over and pulled a puzzled face, as if she noticed something was a bit weird.

"Multiple fractures. See there, compromised nerve." Cal said, putting his arm across me and pointing to what he was talking about on the screen. I turned around and had to lean back slightly as he was that close.

"I know, I was actually just about to ask Dr Hanna about the nerve, but thanks for telling me." I smiled, and walked off. "Remember what I said, Caleb. Secret." I whispered in his ear, and walked off to where the patient was. He softly but sharply took in a breath, smiled and turned on his heel, walking off to his patients. When I was back, Zoe came up to me and stood by my side before asking me something.

"Are you and Cal-?"

"Oh no, not anymore, we had a thing but after my attempt we just... Took time away, I need to sort myself and I don't really need any complications." I told her, and she nodded as if she understood.

"Well a simple life is not something you find in an ED." She added, before turning away to answer Charlie.

Gravitating between the brothers was easy but difficult. I had to be extra careful as Zoe was already onto me and Cal, maybe I need to pay more attention to what I do. It was okay to talk to Ethan a lot more than Cal, he's my mentor and it just comes across as me asking a lot of questions, which to be fair I do do quite a bit.

"I'm going off for my break now. You're due one now too, you coming?" I said, and he nodded slightly, put the set of notes down and followed me off to the staffroom.

My headphones were hanging out of my scrub top pocket, and I had left my music paused in the background, all that was needed was a simple tap of the play button and a 10 minute escape into _'American Beauty/American Psycho'_ would begin. I had made myself some coffee, placed it down on the table and pulled out my phone as well as my tangled headphones. I untangled the massive knot and put both of the earpods in my ears, I pressed the play button and the familiar voice singing "She's an American Beauty, I'm an American Psycho!" was the only thing that filled my mind. I interrupted by Ethan pulling an earpod out of my ear gently and instead placing it in his ear. "You like Fall Out Boy?" He asked, beginning to giggle.

"Yeah, I used to listen to them all the time in uni and as an F1. Why are you laughing?" I asked, a bit weirded out by how he was giggling so much.

"No. Its just I never imagined you slightly... Emo."

"Oh trust me I went through my emo phase. I think I still am. Anyway, how did you know it was fall out boy? Yeah got ya there.." I replied smiling playfully. He scowled back, and gave in.

"Okay you got me." He said, and grabbed my phone and pulled out the headphones.

"What are you doing?" I exclaimed, and Fall Out Boy was now playing out loud in the staffroom, Ethan was singing along.

"Come on Amelia!" He whined and the track changed to 'Centuries'.

Ethan started singing the opening chorus, and after some persuading I joined in.

"You will remember me, Remember me for centuries, and just one mistake, is all it will take. We'll go down in history, remember me for centuries!" I sang, and Ethan sang a duet with me for the rest of the song.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N - I'm not at all great at descriptions. If you want the link to the necklace then please PM me! I did my research for this chapter, sorry for the long words, blame the fascinating field of medicine. Review and tell me what you think :) **

_2 weeks later..._I was with Ethan's at his house. He had cooked dinner and probably cleaned the house, it was all so modern and polished, idealistic and perfect. I had finished the last of my meal and was getting up before being stopped by Ethan.

"Wait there. I have something for you." He grinned and got up, when he came back he was holding a small box. He placed it in front of me, and nodded as if to say 'open it'. I lifted the lid, and inside was a necklace, a simple silver chain with the word 'love' in the middle. On some of the curves if the letters were a line of small rhinestone like stones, and they glinted in the light.

"Oh my god! Its beautiful! I love it." I said, looking up and smiling. I got up, twisted on my heel and threw my arms around him. "You're amazing. I fucking love you." I whispered in his ear, and I let go of him, only for him to grab my face in both hands and kiss me. Once I had relaxed, he slowly let go of his grip on my face. His hand moved to my waist and he let out a small moan. I stopped him by putting my hand on his, and he slowly let out of the kiss.

"Not today." I said, and he gave me eyes that asked why. "My uterus is punishing me for not being pregnant." I stated. He nodded and we stepped apart. I took the necklace out of the box fully, and walked over to a mirror on the wall and tried to put it on. Ethan saw me fiddling and swearing with the clasp, and came behind me and did it.

"So you can do a tricky RSI but a necklace is beyond you?" He laughed and I scowled at him, before he plopped himself on the sofa. I sat down beside him and snuggled into his side. We had just finished a tough shift and we were exhausted.

"Ethan. Do you think it was my fault that patient died today?" I asked quietly, the events of resus flooding back."What do you mean? You did everything you could." He muttered and put his arm around me and squeezed me into his side.

"But what if I had tried for longer? I called it after half an hour, but some resuscitations I've done have lasted for an hour... Ethan they could still be alive right now if I tried. I failed, didn't I?" I continued and began sobbing. He moved me away a bit and made me look into his eyes.

"Look, if you had carried on for any longer you would have broken ribs, even if they did have a pulse again they would still have slipped into arrest and probably be critical later. You did what was best." He smiled and I cuddled into his side more.

"I'm going to go home before it gets too dark." I said, and began to get up, before Ethan did the same and offered to drive me.

In Ethan's car we blasted fall out boy songs after our new discovered mutual love for fall out boy, 'singing' along as best as we could. By singing I mean making noises in the same key because in all honesty, who knows the words? Since I had put the music on a playlist consisting of all my favourite songs, Panic! At The Disco's song 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off'. As soon as I realised, an "Ohh shiit it's this song." And Ethan suddenly got what I was talking about. We were outside the apartment block but I stayed in the car after the song started.

_'Is it still me that makes you sweat?_

_Am I who you think about in bed?_

_When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?_

_Then think of what you did, how I hope to god he was worth it_

_When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin_

_I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch a better fuck_

_Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me.'_

_'No no no, you know it always will be me.'_I watched Ethan as he mouthed along to the words, he didnt know I was watching. I was smiling madly, and he turned and began giggling.

"Not going to lie Ethan, you miming to the words was so fucking attractive. See you tomorrow." I giggled. He leant in and kissed me, before I got out of the car and walked up to my apartment.

As soon as I got in I looked out of the window and made sure Ethan was gone. I took off the necklace, re-did my smudged eye makeup and fixed my clothes so they looked normal before heading out again to Cal's. I called him, he was at home and had wine. Always good. I walked over to his, and I had used the key he had given me to let myself in. "Caleb?" I shouted when I entered, locking the door behind me only to be surprised when someone hugged me from behind. I knew just from his hands that it was Cal, and he whispered something I didn't catch into my neck. "So.. What were you thinking we do?" I smirked, and he did the same.

"I'll show you."

_3 days later_

_"Nothings ever easy in the ED, and recklessness is mostly counter-productive. But don't be afraid to play around with it once in a while."_

"Right Amelia this is Matty Randall, 11 years old. Had a bit of a scrap in the school playground before fainted. Reported getting a headache, sweating and heart palpitations. Also has some uncontrollable trembles. Pulse is tachy at 77, BP hypotensive at 90 over 70, sats at 97%. Has had 1 litre of saline. He's also diabetic, no sign of hyper or hypoglycaemia. Parents have been called and Mum's on her way in now." Dixie informed me, and Ethan awkwardly tried to keep up behind us.

"Through to resus please, Dixie." I said, holding the door open as herself and Iain wheeled the trolley through.

"Hi Matty, I'm Amelia and I'm the doctor thats going to be looking after you, this is Ethan and he'll be helping me. We'll run some tests to find out whats making you feel bad. Is it okay for me to take a little listen to your chest?" I said to him, and he just nodded shyly.

"Right, everything sounds normal apart from the occasional palpitation, so can I have bloods, LFT, U&E, ECG and a head CT, can we also chase up notes please." I smiled, and everyone in the room began hassling the appropriate people. Ethan walked up to me and began to trivialise everything I had ordered.

"What are you thinking it might be?" He asked, and I looked at my feet before looking up at him.

"Could be anything; infection to bump to the head." I said sharply, and he simply asked me more questions.

"Then why did you order and LFT and U's and E's?" "It could be a problem concerning the liver or kidneys that induce these type of symptoms, I just want to cover all bases." I replied and he nodded before he walked away from me, only for his space to be replaced by Robyn.

"CT can take him in 15 minutes. Why did you order a head CT?" She asked, and I sighed.

"Cant I do my job without anyone questioning my decisions?!" I practically shouted and everyone stopped for a split-second before returning to what they were doing. I walked out of resus and just anxiously paced outside, Ethan came out for me. "Don't." I sneered, and he didn't react. "I am a good doctor. I know that, I worked hard to get to where I am now, so why does everyone question my judgement?" I asked, and he stood still whilst I was still pacing back and forth.

"Believe me, you are a brilliant doctor, and no-one is here to question you. I just wanted to know your thoughts of what it could be, and I agree with every test you ordered." Ethan had managed to get me stood still, and assured me through a hand on the shoulder and his small little smile. We were approached by a woman, blonde haired and blue eyed, with all the same facial features of Matty.

"I'm Mrs Randall, Matty's mum. I got a call from the school saying he's been taken here - can I see him?" She asked us obviously concerned and panicked. "Okay, I'm Dr Bridges, this is Dr Hardy, we've been treating Matty. There's no need to panic - according to our paramedic he had a bit of a scrap in the school playground before becoming faint. He's stable, but he's had some heart palpitations, trembles and a lot of sweating, so we'd like to find out whats causing them. We're sending him up for a CT scan of his head in about 5 minutes, just to make sure he hasn't had a bump to the head that might causing the symptoms. He's through there if you would like to see him." I said, and she looked slightly concerned.

"Why are there 2 doctors on this case, thats not normal is it?" She inquired, and I smiled and nodded.

"I'm a junior doctor in charge of the case and Dr Hardy here is a senior registrar in emergency medicine, he's mentoring me and making sure I'm doing everything correctly." I told her and she nodded skeptically before walking through the resus doors and running up to her son. Ethan and I slowly walked into resus again. "I hate being an F2 sometimes. Its like people are more wary and skeptical about your decisions, especially in ED." I muttered and Ethan simply nodded, before trying to make me feel better.

"Well in the ED everyone's skeptical. Its the home of chaos, where the weird ones find home." He laughed, and we were approached by Robyn again telling us CT is ready now. I left Ethan to tell Matty's mother we would be taking him up now, whilst I helped Max and Robyn take him up CT.

We came back later, and the results were fast-tracked so they came back within minutes.

"Matty Randall's CT and blood results." Ethan said and handed me the iPad on which the scan was displayed. I looked over and over the scan, nothing weird. "Ethan?" I called and he jogged over slightly. "Take a look at the scan, there's nothing there, bloods, LFT, U&E normal. I want to check sugar levels, could be that?" I asked, but Ethan shook his head.

"But Iain and Dixie said they were normal.. No signs of abnormal glycaemia." He added, before I came up with something.

"What about an abdominal CT?" I exclaimed, and again Ethan asked why. "It could be a phaeochromocytoma?" I said, and his face lit up.

"Of course! I'll ask the mother about other symptoms like weight loss or anxiety, you chase up CT." He smiled and walked over to his mum, and I chased up an urgent abdominal CT.

I managed to get a slot straight away, but couldn't get the results fast tracked. Generally, under close observation and given he doesn't have any complications, he would have been fine. Whilst waiting for the CT and generally talking with Ethan, the machine started to beep.

"BP dropping, becoming extremely tachycardic." Robyn announced, and the CT results had came as she shouted this.

"Okay people, he has a phaeochromocytoma. Can we check blood sugar stat and give him a milligram of propranolol now!" I shouted, stood at the end of the bed and Ethan ran next to me.

"What are you doing? Propranolol? He has a phaeochromocytoma and diabetes! Do you have any idea what that could do?" He hissed, and I turned around and answered him back.

"Do you have any other ideas?" I retorted, and he simply nodded and replied.

"Nadolol?"

"No! That would lower his BP, causing him to arrest. Carry on the propranolol, 0.5 milligrams a minute." I continued, and hesitantly Robyn administered the drug.

The machines went off again, he had developed an arrhythmia.

"Whats happening?" Matty's mother asked, she was sat next to him and to hear the sound of beeping is always worrying.

"He's developed an arrhythmia." I said, before calling "We need to shock him, get me the defib now." Ethan dealt with the mother, making her stand back or turn away, and we could shock Matty.

"Charge to 100... Clear." I called, sending electricity running through his small body.

"Again? Clear." I repeated in the same tone as before, looking up at the ECG now showing a steady rhythm.

"We have a normal rhythm. Lets call upstairs if they have a bed, it will need further investigation. Thank you everyone." I told the team, and began walking toward the door before feeling a tap on my shoulder.

"That arrhythmia, was that caused by the drug you gave Matty? I saw you and the other doctor arguing about it." Mrs Randall had asked, and I formulated an answer. "We dont know what exactly had caused that arrhythmia, it could have been another attack due to the phaeochromocytoma or the propranolol." I replied, trying to sound as professional as possible.

"So it could have been because of the drug? What about the one the other doctor said you should give him, would that have stopped it?" She quizzed me and I felt so uncomfortable. "Nadolol? In Matty's case it probably would have been better, however it would have caused his blood pressure to go down, which could ultimately have been fatal. If you would like a higher authority to give their opinion on this, then I'm pretty sure either Dr Hanna or Mrs Beauchamp would be happy to talk you through it." I had emphasised the however a lot, and smiling, Mrs Randall looked at me.

"I will then. I want the clinical lead's opinion." She sneered.

"Right, Mrs Beauchamp it is. Follow me to her office." I said, and held the door open for Mrs Randall.

I knocked on the door to Mrs Beauchamp's office that was slightly ajar, and she smiled and let me in.

"Mrs Beauchamp. This is Mrs Randall, the mother of my paediatric resus patient. So, I had discovered my patient had a phaeochromocytoma and also had diabetes. He was tachycardic and BP was low. In order to relieve the symptoms and hopefully prevent a cardiac arrest, I prescribed propranolol. Dr Hardy had disagreed and suggested instead I give him Nadolol." I explained, and she nodded along until this point.

"How old was the patient?" Mrs Beauchamp cut in.

"11 years old. Roughly 5 minutes after the propranolol was administered he developed an arrhythmia, severe enough for us to have to defibrillate the patient. What Mrs Randall is here about is she wanted your opinion on whether it was the propranolol that caused the arrhythmia and whether it could have been prevented if nadolol was given instead." I continued, and it took a split second for Mrs Beauchamp to reply."Well, I am happy to defend Dr Bridges in her decision, as in her situation I would have prescribed the same. If she had followed Dr Hardy's advice and used nadolol instead, his blood pressure would have lowered, and that could have caused him to have a cardiac. In my professional opinion, I don't think we could determine which could have caused the arrhythmia, your sons condition or the propranolol." Mrs Beauchamp had directed at Matty's mother, who nodded and smiled. Ethan poked his head around the door to tell us Matty would be transferred, so Mrs Randall had left.

"Thank you Mrs Beauchamp." I chirped, turning around about to leave.

"Stay here. Close the door." She said standing up. I did as I was told, and stood awkwardly in her office."What on earth were you thinking. You risked a patient's life, if he had lost output instead of a simple arrhythmia then he probably wouldn't be alive right now. You cannot keep on acting so recklessly, Dr Bridges." She shouted, and I was slightly confused. She had defended me and now she was shouting at me?

"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by keep on acting recklessly." I replied genuinely confused.

"Ever since you started here you're behaviour has been unpredictable. Depression, self harm, suicide attempt, starting a relationship with your mentor, now this. I all respect doctor Bridges, I think you should see a psych." She elaborated, and I simply nodded. I left her office, looked at the clock and saw it was time that my shift had ended. I darted to the staffroom to get changed, and Ethan was there getting changed.

"What did Mrs Beauchamp say?" He asked, and I simply shook my head.

"I'll tell you later. I need to get out of here." I groaned, and when I was done I left the ED and went back to my apartment with Ethan.


	17. Chapter 17

Trigger warning for panic attacks, alcohol/drug abuse and vomiting..

"Wait, so Mrs Beauchamp told you you should see a psych?" Ethan exclaimed, in shock at what I had told him. Recalling the day's events wasn't easy, my own boss thinks I'm reckless and unstable, maybe she's right. I'm stuck in this state of 'I'm on top of the world, unstoppable' and 'maybe I'm not all as great as it seems'. Mulling over the past month, regrets and failures flooding through my head, a failed suicide attempt, a relationship with my mentor, sleeping with his brother and the constant flood of risky decisions and slip ups at work too. I put someones life at risk. A young life. I didn't do my best to resuscitate a patient the other day. I've been rude and absent minded to my colleagues, I've been unprofessional. All of the thoughts became too much, and panic and anxiety set in. I had began trembling, my legs went weak and my breathing heavy. The environment around me blurring because of the tears in my eyes. All I heard was Ethan's voice, my name being repeated and him telling me to breathe. I cried hysterically, Ethan holding me together all the way through. "Amelia, I need you to slow down your breathing, okay? You're going to be okay, I'm here." Ethan said, and even though he said it would be okay, it really felt like the opposite.

"My chest.. Really hurts." I whined between heavy breathing.

"I know, you're really tachycardic, we need to slow down your pulse and breathing. Put your hand on my chest and breathe with me, okay?" He held my hand up to his chest, and I copied his breathing. I felt calmer, and after 5 minutes staying like this, I had calmed completely.

"I'm so sorry Ethan. I need a fucking drink." I said, still shaking slightly when I walked to the kitchen. I grabbed the bottle of vodka and walked back in, collapsing onto the sofa. Ethan stared at the bottle. "Amelia, I don't think thats a good idea. You've just had a panic attack.. Have some water instead." He said, and I shook my head.

"Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm going to drink the vodka. You're going to watch me or join in." I said, twisting the lid off the bottle before going back to the kitchen to get cups. I poured 2 shots of vodka, and looked at them on the table next to each other. Ethan had smelt the drink from before on me, and before I grabbed one of the cups he put his hand on mine.

"Have you been drinking already Amelia?" He asked, and I shook my head giggling."No, of course there wasn't any booze in my drink earlier. You having one or is it a double for me?" I asked him, and he shook his head.

"No, its okay. Look, I just really think you should go easy, you're already tipsy and we're on early shift tomorrow - you really don't want to be hungover." He said, and I looked at him deviously/deviantly before pouring his drink into mine and downing the double vodka.

"Im up for another, you sure you don't want to have one?" I began to slur a bit, and Ethan simply declined again, so in protest I picked up the bottle and took gulps from that. "Where are you going?" I asked Ethan as he was beginning to get up. He had a few things at mine like a change of clothes in his bag and pyjamas stuffed away in a drawer, and he walked towards the bathroom. I got up and followed behind him, he had locked himself in. I slapped the door twice as I felt sick, he didn't open at first, but after slurring "do you want me to throw up on the floor?" he opened the door. I ran in and kneeled over the toilet bowl, coughing. Ethan held back my hair as eventually my stomach emptied its contents.

"I feel like shit." I managed to say, before before Ethan put his hand on my shoulder and put one finger up to say 'be back in a minute' before disappearing. He came back in with a glass of clear liquid, I took it off him, and before I took a sip I had to ask

"water or vodka?"

"Water. Drink up now and the hangover won't be as bad tomorrow." He replied, and I gulped down the entire glass before standing up and making my way to my bedroom, where I pulled on my pyjamas and fell on the bed.

_4 months later_

**3rd Person**

Cal and Amelia's relationship was going well, so was Amelia and Ethan's. Amelia managed to keep both of the boys secret and separate, neither of them knowing what the girl was doing. She had carried on, high energy, high hopes and general craziness, and everyone around her saw that as her normal self. The scars on her arms had healed well, she was slowly learning to love and care for herself. This was until the day everything had gone wrong. A fatal overdose of morphine opiate in a paediatric resus case. In her eyes, all entirely her fault. A GMC hearing later, and Amelia was almost struck off. They looked over the notes and there was simply a communication error, an agency nurse by the name of Reagan gave more morphine, wrote it down in the notes, but didn't verbally tell Amelia. In the time leading up to her hearing, Amelia had turned to alcohol. Both of her partners knew this, she was basically in a cycle of drinking, eating, being hungover and generally being a bit off. At most, she was sober for the hours of daylight, only for the night to turn her thoughts darker. Darker thoughts made her more dependent on depressants. Alcohol, sex, a relapse into self harm, and on one occasion, drugs. Both of the brothers knew her mental health was slowly getting worse, but they were reluctant to get her help as she already had enough to deal with. She drank heavily around Cal, and lightly around Ethan. She thought she could play it safe, she was wrong.

She had been out with Cal, he had lost track of her and he didn't know she had taken something. It was just a small pill, nothing big she thought. Amelia had managed to find Cal after taking the drug, who told her they should go home, only to drink more. Cal only tipsy, and Amelia was borderline drunk. They had gone back to Cal's, a few drinks every so often. They were at Cal's place, kissing madly like they always did, and they had both removed each others tops before Cal had gone down on Amelia.

Underneath him, Amelia had collapsed, and Cal suspected from the drink. He had only thought she would have been down for a few minutes, 20 at most, but when she was down for half an hour he became a bit worried.

"Amelia. Wake upp!" He said, shaking the girls shoulders to hopefully get a response.

Nothing.

"Amelia, wake up. Its not funny anymore." He basically repeated what he had said last time in the same tone, but with more seriousness. He became more panicked, and checked her pulse, slow and thready, only to notice her breathing was slower and that too was dropping. He decided as it was Friday and late, he couldn't wait for an ambulance. He had only had a few drinks and was under the limit, unlike Amelia. He lifted her limp body off the sofa, and walked out to his car, placing her in the passenger seat and putting the seatbelt on her. Before he started driving, he called Ethan.

"Ethan. Don't ask why but I need you to meet me outside the ED ambulance entrance in 5 minutes." He trembled, and you could tell from his voice that he was close to tears.

He arrived outside the ED, and Ethan was stood just in the ambulance entrance, looking confused and waiting. Cal moved his car to a safer place, and climbed out and ran over to the other side. He got Amelia out and lifted her into his arms, before carrying her into the ED through the ambulance entrance, where Ethan saw his older brother in tears.

"She-she collapsed at mine. She's had a lot to drink and shes been down for 35 minutes." He explained, running her through to resus and delicately placing her down on a trolley. Ethan had a number of questions on his head, some of more importance than others, but 2 stuck to his mind so much he had to ask Cal.

"What was she doing at yours, why is she topless and why are there lipstick marks on your neck that match her lipstick?" Ethan asked Cal, and he didn't know what to say.


End file.
